Free For All

It is December and I am eating everything in sight. I still fit into my clothes, but I have noticed they are more snug than they were in November. I have not stepped on to the scale. I'm counting on you, January, to be the endpoint for this crazy free-for-all that is the holiday season!!

In other news, my workout schedule has dwindled to a scant twice per month or so where I trudge to the YMCA and run on the treadmill. I can still run a mile. I know Santa has a Jillian Michaels DVD in store for me, so we'll see how that goes. I can't wait until the weather gets warm and I can get outside and run again. Three... more... months... sigh.

Anonymous

I breezed through the blog today and noticed a new comment left by an anonymous "B" person. I was thrilled! Someone read this blog! Yay!

I started to respond in the comment section but realized it was long enough I could share it at large. First, it was left under the section about dress shopping, so that confused me a bit because I think B was responding to the blog as a whole.

B asked if I am on any meds and that perhaps this could be a factor in my weight. Good thinking, B. But I am not on any meds. None, zippo, zilch. Not even birth control or herbal supplements or Calcium (which I should really take). So, that's not a contributing factor.

Then B suggested that I find something that I "REALLY" enjoy doing. Another good suggestion. Here's the thing: I enjoy knitting, photography, writing, horseback riding, dancing, and reading. All but two of those are sedentary activities that will hardly burn the calories consumed in a celery stick. Horseback riding requires a horse, and I live in town. I think the neighbors would be annoyed if I had a horse in my back yard. Dancing - I could dance in my house by myself! I could, and sometimes do. I cannot really go dancing in public often because we have ONE place to dance in this town and it is kinda seedy, and of course it is a bar. Barriers, barriers. I know I could be successful if I can find a way to work around these barriers.

I have come to the conclusion that, with my life as it stands right now, I am going to have to continue to just do what I can to be active and to heck with enjoying it. Trying to do something I enjoy became a barrier in itself; a reason to do nothing and that does not work for me in the long run. I'll enjoy the end results and the way I feel when I am done, and that will be enough for me to continue. I'll try to find a way to dance or take a dance class, but the opportunity is rare and does not work into my schedule easily. I'm open to trying new things, as well. And I wonder if it is realistic to find exercise that one REALLY loves. Do you all have that? Am I missing out on something here? B, do you have that? What is it?

DJ Downer

As you all know, I went to the dinner/dance thing this past Saturday (check out my purple dress in the little slideshow of photos). I had a lot of fun, but if I am with my friends I could have a lot of fun in a dumpster behind a sea food restraunt. There are two formal dinner things in this town - Legacy Ball (which I attended this past Saturday) and Gala (the Catholic School's event that I have never attended in my three years of living here). Legacy Ball includes a dance and Gala does not. I love to dance! Yay for Legacy Ball!

Ok, but this year, and really every darn year, I am disappointed with the DJ at the dance. I am disappointed by DJs at almost every dance that I attend. Why do they play the same darn songs at every event? Are white people really that boring and unoriginal that they can only dance to a set playlist that has to include "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" and "Footloose?" Apprently, yes. I am really ok with some songs from the various eras of music being played at these things, because there are people from the various eras in attendance. But do they have to be the SAME songs from those eras??

Here are the songs I never want to hear at any more darn dances:

Paradise by the Dashboard Lights - Meatloaf
Footloose - Kenny Loggins
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
The Electric Slide, Cha-cha slide, Boot Scoot boogie, Cupid Shuffle, etc...
Pour Some Sugar On Me
Greese Medley
Old Time Rock and Roll

I'm sure you can add to the list....

Never Mind!

Wait!! I was incorrect! I passed the friggin test!!! Waaahooooooo!!!!!!!

Also, I weighed myself after two weeks of eating Halloween candy and the stupid number went down. What the....? Oh well. I'll take it.

I went to the Legacy Ball last night and had a great time. Life is good this week, my friends!

Failure and Defeat

I have been going to school for two years to get some crazy degree that I do not need, but might come in handy at my workplace. I believe I have complained about this in the past. I am an IDIOT for trying to do school while I work and have a family and a life (especially one that is trying to include healthy eating and exercise). Whatever. What's done is done.

I took a comprehensive test this evening over the entire two years of schooling and I got a 74%. Barf. Barf!!! I think I needed an 80% to pass. Triple barf! I have never flunked a test before. Never. And I have been going to school, off and on, for a whole lot of years, people. This is a horrible feeling. If I truly failed, which is likely, then I will have another opportunity (read: I will HAVE to put myself through torture) to take the test again in the Spring. I don't want to do it. But if I do not, I will not get the degree and then what was the damn point of going through the f-ing schooling?

Arrgh!! AND, I have been stress-eating like nobody's business in preparation for the test. I am like a train off its tracks. I quit doing the food journal and have been lucky to work out twice per week in those last two weeks. I am pretty damn sure I am gaining weight as a result. I bought a scale for my bathroom and am too afraid to get on the dumb thing. I feel defeated.

I will not end up defeated, mind you. No way. If I stayed in this mode I would need some sort of antidepressants. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and get my ass back on track. I have a dance to attend this weekend and I have a freshly applied spray tan and that is not going to waste. After that, I will start reading my school books so that by Spring there will be no possible way for me to fail another one of these awful tests.

Either that, or I will lay on the sofa, let my house get really messy, wear nothing but sweatpants and eat cake all day.

Got the Dress

I got the dress for Legacy Ball - it's deep purple and I really like it. But, I noticed that I was wishing I was a size smaller. Sigh.

ADHD

I am pretty darn sure I have ADHD and have had it all of my life. There are three different kinds of ADHD, you see. There are the "hyperactive/impulsive" type - the kids who cannot sit still, who are chewing on pencil erasers, acting without thinking and are really behaviorally disruptive. There are kids with "combined type" which is obviously a combo of hyperactive and inattentive and these kids are just having trouble all over the place. Then there is the "inattentive" type. This is me.

Inattentive type ADHD - easily distracted, loses things, disorganized, has trouble doing things that require long spans of attention, starts a lot and finishes a little, trouble focusing. As a kid, the annual joke was whether or not I had managed to go through an entire winter on one pair of mittens. My mother threatened to sew them to my coat or get those ones with the string on them. My desk at school was one that barely closed and had papers hanging out and shoved in there like crazy. I did not get math homework done because I could not stand to color the stupid sections after doing the math problems, or would do only a few of each problem but would sit forever trying to get myself to finish the stupid entire sheet of problems. I still struggle with procrastination and doing busy work. I am so easily distracted it isn't funny, and the staggering number of unfinished projects around here is nuts. I also play several instruments badly, know a little about photography and have a test in two weeks that I cannot seem to bring myself to study for.

I think I'm going to make a case for taking meds for this and see what it does for me. What do you think?

Evening Gown

There is a charity event in Algona every November, and it is a dinner/dance. I love this! I love getting all dressed up and going for dinner and then dancing. I believe I have mentioned this event before - Prom for grownups! What to wear, what to wear, that is the question. Last year I wore a strapless black dress with a fitted waist and a flared skirt. I loved it and felt very pretty. This year I have decided I would like to wear something with some color. Great! But I live in little tiny Algona, and where the heck am I going to find such a thing without a big shopping trip? The dance is three weeks away and I have got nothing. Anybody have any suggestions on where to shop? Thanks.

It Doesn't Grow on Trees

Money. I hate money as much as I hate food. I have enough, I don't have enough, i have more than I really need... argh! I own a small house but a nice one, but I want a bigger one. I own an old car but it runs, but I want a newer one. I want some new clothes to replace the too-big clothes. The kids want dance lessons and basketball shoes and soon enough a car and gas money and insurance. how do you afford all of that? I don't. I can afford the dance and basketball and small house and clothes and maybe car and and other car and gas money. I just don't think I can swing the bigger house as well. Damn it. Accept and move on....

Reduced Fat

I had some nice compliments today on my trim shape, which was nice. It is at about this juncture that I usually fall off the healthy lifestyle wagon and drift right back into celebration mode. I celebrate with cake, of course. See, people start saying how nice I look and how skinny I am and blah blah blah, and I get all cocky and think I can then end my "diet." Thus goes the yo-yo path.

Recall, my goal is to end the yo-yo pattern here, and just live in a reliably healthy weight range. I have a friend who buys formal dresses when she finds them on sale so she has them for our annual formal dance. My dream is to be confident enough in my weight and size that I can do that. I don't see it happening, but it is a good dream.

Anyway, people have noticed my "reduced fat" appearance, but I am not giving up on my food journaling via livestrong.com, and I am still exercising. I still have my brother on board to help me, as well. Thank goodness. Today, after all of those nice compliments, I was starting to think that I could just give up the food journal and be fine with myself as-is. Then I got an email from my brother giving me virtual high fives for my calorie goal accomplishments, but also giving a suggestion that I cut some fat from my diet and try to keep it under 30% of my daily calorie intake. Reality check!! I still have not figured out the healthy balance I am trying to achieve. I have a feeling that all of my uses of almonds, peanut butter, cheese on my sandwich, and those ice cream bars are coming back to haunt me. I'm trying to take this as a new challenge and not get discouraged. Maybe if I follow his advice and eat 'reduced fat' I can be even more 'reduced fat' myself and break through that glass floor that I seen to have set. We shall see.

Going Crazy!

Food is hard. Well, eating healthy foods is difficult anyway. I find it difficult. I get paralyzed when I am not near a salad bar, and also sometimes even at the salad bar because I don't want to eat salad. My mind knows that baked fish, grilled seafood or poultry, and vegetables are healthy foods. Fruits are generally healthy as well, though sometimes higher calorie than you expect (darn bananas!). The breakfast sandwich at Subway is pretty darn healthy, so I feel at ease with that. But there are so many other foods out there and they are so chock full of calories it isn't even funny! Do you know how many calories are in potato salad?! Lots.

So, today I went nuts and ate junk cuz that's what I was craving. Scary!! One of these days I hope to figure out how to figure out the balance of life in terms of eating healthy foods most of the time and not feeling crazy for including the occasional treat. I know, crazy....

Pants Schmants

I went shopping today for some new duds. It should be fun now that I am a smaller size, and I will say that it is much more pleasant than it was when I was bigger. However, I think that buying pants is a universal difficulty, no matter your size. I mean, I think it is still a pain in the butt, even for those folks who are a size 4.

All of the makers of pants are trying very hard to accommodate the wide variety of body shapes and sizes out there on the planet. If you go to the juniors department of Target, you will find jeans in one of about five styles ranging from what I call "Mom-butt" style where the waist is up high and the pockets and square on your butt, to low slung skinny jeans for those who are built like a praying mantis. And, though they are trying, it is rare to find a pants-maker who has come up with the perfect pants for my body. It takes so long to wade through all of the brands and styles and sizes and colors and patterns and..... UG! I get so frustrated! But, I managed to find a pair today. Of course, they need to be hemmed.

Body Composition - part Marshmallow

Some good news! I was in the top 8 for the Biggest Loser! Did I already mention that? Well, I'll say it again, then. AND, I got money as a prize. Good deal.

Well, during Biggest Loser they offered for us to get our body composition test. I didn't have time the day they were doing it in the beginning, but I did on Monday. So, my friend Cassi got hers done and she had body fat in the "good" range and NO risky fat, down from 9 pounds of risky fat!! Way to go, Cassi!! I was cocky going into this deal. I have been humbled. My body fat percentage was in the "fair" range and I had 2.4 pounds of "risky" excess fat. A little too much marshmallow goo. So, this means I will keep working on this weight loss thing until that goo is gone.

Halloween and Legacy Ball are coming and I am looking forward to feeling good about myself at both events.

Another 5K

I did another 5K! That's three in the past three months! I think I am officially "a runner" now, right? I am still really slow, but I improved my time from my last race, so that's great. I'll have to work on speed next, which I am sure involves some sort of torture.

Also, I ran in chilly weather, which is a first for me, at least for a race. My nose was running, my lungs hurt and I was really glad I took my sister's advice and wore an ear warmer. I am not thinking running in the cold is my favorite thing, but I'll keep doing it as long as possible. I also wore gloves and was glad I had them at first and then later was annoyed with them. My sister says she only breaks those out in 30 degree weather. I can see why. I gotta get more gear. This running thing is expensive!

Athleta

I get an Athleta catalog in the mail every few weeks. I ordered a swim suit for my daughter from them, so now I'm on their list. It is full of super athletic models wearing all sorts of athletic gear and cute casual clothing designed for athletic people. I really like it. I marvel at these women's figures, with chiseled arms and flat stomachs and no back fat. And I like the workout gear as well as the clothing. I am too afraid to order anything from that catalog because I hear it runs small and also because I would not look anything like those women in those items. I wish I was an Athleta model, though.

Now What?

Well, the Biggest Loser thing at work is done. I weighed in at 145, down .5 pound in the last week of the game. I was a little bummed cuz I was hoping for 143.5 so I could say I had lost 10 percent. Oh well. So, that little adventure seemed to work pretty well for me - what with the weigh ins and all. So, now what....?? Since it ended I have eaten dessert two days in a row. That's no good. In my defense, it is hormone-a-palooza up in this joint, so I'm craving that junk like crazy. But when I was weighing in I did not give in to the cravings so much.

I am doing an online food journal and I have some accountability there, so that's good. I'm going to have to go back to my little weigh ins here as my motivation. I'm going to try to find someone to give my report so that I have that in the back of my mind. I wonder when I'll just do this without someone needing to hawk over me.

Indecision

I hate making big decisions. I wish there was a person who would, for free, take a look at my life and finances and tell me the smart choices when it comes to things like, "Can I afford a bigger house, a newer car, a car for my kids to drive (cuz that's coming, you know), and then our usual fun, clothes, holidays, etc...???" Why can't I figure out the answer to that question? Am I that dumb? I can't decide anything due to lack of sufficient information!!!

I Did It!!!

I did it! I ran five miles!! I was planning to run four today and then five next weekend because there are two more weeks in the Biggest Loser thing and five miles was a goal I set for that. So, I went out and did my one mile to the YMCA loop, then ran the loop (that's another mile) and then I usually run home (there's three). But, instead of running home, I did another loop and then if I ran home that would be my four miles. Yay! Well, I got done with that second loop and started my internal dialogue....

"Hey self," I says, "Self, you are not dying. If you just did one more loop and then went home, you'd have FIVE miles! Five! You could do it! Just skip the four and go right to the five. How cool would that feel? Just do it. Keep going. Go around that loop again. No walking at the end just cuz you made four, either. Just keep running until you get home." (end scene)

And so, I did. Ta dah!!! I'm really proud of me. I know there are lots cooler goals and feats, like my friends who finished an Iron Man Triathlon (say what?!), but it's still a good day to be me. And on top of that, I took my older child shopping, so spend three hours walking around the mall. I'll take that, and the new pair of heels I bought myself. My five-mile medal.

Running Partner

This morning I got my 13-year-old to get up and go running with me. She ran a mile and I am really proud of her. She is going to sign up for the 1-mile fun run on Band Day, so I think she'll keep running with me. It's good because it gives me that extra motivation to get up when staying in bed sounds so good. And it's good because I want to encourage my children to keep exercise as a part of their lives. I don't want them to have to work on picking up that habit in their 30s.

I really need to get some cold-weather running gear. What does that look like? I usually quit running when it gets colder - always sounds like a good excuse to quit. Not this year. I keep hearing my sister's voice... "You said that last year." when I said I would do better at next year's Ride Run. Long term goals are a good thing.

Betty Crocker

We went to a cookoff held by some friends of ours. You can enter ribs, appetizer or dessert, so I stupidly went with dessert. I won! Yay! I have leftovers! Boo! On a positive note, my sister and I used the divide and conquer approach to the tasting of things to vote and so I ended up not overeating.

This evening I have a meeting and I am the cohost, which means I am in charge of refreshments. I thought about doing veggies and dip, but that's not the usual fare for this thing, so I made lemonade cookies which are really good, and am going to make strawberry punch bowl cake which is also really good. I am guessing weigh-in on Wednesday is going to be another draw.

Discontent

Why can't I just seem to be happy on a consistent basis? My brother-in-law, Frontrunner, asked me the other day, "Are women ever happy?" I had to stop and think about that one for a moment. I answered, "Yes. For contained moments."

I have been thinking about my own states of happiness and today was a prime example of my general discontented nature. I got to wear jeans to work due as my prize for being one of the three "biggest losers" at work. I wore my new jeans, which are really denim stretch pants (98% spandex, 1% cotton denim, 1% stitching on the pockets), and they are pretty form fitting and a little long. I wore them with a really pretty silk shirt and my Jessica Simpson platform patent heels. I was having a good hair day and the one zit that decided to crop up was not nearly as menacing as it is right now. I was feeling pretty darn good about myself, even though I skipped my morning run due to rain and cold and darkness.

That good feeling managed to last until I went home. Once there, I started to graze on fruit and cheese and nuts, then gobbled down a few of the chocolates that some damn old lady gave my husband after he did some odd job for her (really, lady, paying him is enough!), and then ate a couple of pieces of pizza for dinner. I did some laundry, tried to straighten up papers that are always cluttering everything around here, then felt defeated by the clutter in my house and started to frown. I went to pick up my child from her cousin's house and she threw a giant fit which deepened my frown. Heard from my sister who is having a fun-filled day in Minneapolis, shopping and dining and coming home to her nice big house, newer car and 9 a.m. workout time and my frown deepened in jealousy. Started reading my psychiatry study book which is dry as three-day-old toast, felt overwhelmed with stupidity and the frown turned into a downright scowl.

So, what started out as a day where I felt pretty good about how I look, about my job, and about my life, ended up as a day where I feel fat, stupid, ineffective and flying my "no fair" flag high in the air. Why is it so hard for me to be satisfied? Why can't I hold that good feeling? Am I that spoiled? Am I that ungrateful? It's days like these where I think I need a good therapist. Know any?

Weighing In

Well, last week I was the "biggest loser" in our program and this week I got nothin. Back to broiled fish for me. Three weeks left of this program and I am 10 pounds shy of my ending goal. I don't think I'm going to make it. I had another goal of running 5 miles and have not made that either. I have some hope that I can still do that one in the next three weeks.

SL5K and Gym Class

No, that's not my password to anything. I finished my second 5K of my life this past weekend and I DID NOT WALK!!! Hooray! Of course, it was a pretty flat course, so not much to really excuse walking. At any rate, I was glad to overcome the urge to walk, because believe me, it was there. It was there ESPECIALLY when there were more of those interval bozos on the route, and they were right in my group of people.

What am I talking about, "group of people?" Well, when you run or participate in any sort of race event, you start in a big herd and then the pack starts to settle out into some sort of paced groups. You have your front-runners, those really skinny folks who were jogging around before the event started in their specialized running gear with timing watches on and expensive sunglasses. My brother-in-law is in that group, but more on him later. Then there is the mid-pack of people who seem a mix of normal-looking people and running buffs, some running solo and some in pairs or small groups. Next we have our straggling joggers, of which I am one, and the interval people who do that annoying quick jogging and then walking pattern. Bringing up the rear we have the people who started out jogging and then gave up and walked the rest of the way and the people who set out in the beginning to walk the whole route - the walkers. I am good with all of those groups, and I know my place. I aspire to be in that mid-pack of folks. I am NOT good with the interval people. I know that I should be ok with them because technically I was one in the last race where I got intimidated by the hills and walked some, but you all recall my distress at the last race after the older dude kept using me as a marker of when to run on up ahead.

Well, dear friends, it almost happened to me again. There was an older lady who would walk and then when I would jog past her she would run on up ahead of me and start walking again. HELL NO! I was not letting that happen again. I made it up the one gradual hill on the route, and on the way down towards the finish line I passed that lady and saw her shadow coming up behind me. NO WAY! I ran faster and kept her right behind me. I knew she could not keep up that pace and she'd drop back to a walk again. She did, and I beat that lady and a couple of 20-somethings who were doing that walk/run bit as well. There is no way that these walk/run folks should beat me when I am not walking. Later, that lady got a medal in her age group of 50 to 59. Oh, the humanity.

Ok, back to my brother-in-law. That freak with the long legs finished the damn 5K in 19 min 53 sec. He got fourth place overall and second in his age group (the largest age group in the race, by the way). Sigh. He is a front runner - 6.5 minute miles. I can't run that fast for one mile, let alone three. I finished the race in 31 minutes 36 seconds. That's a 10 minute, 14 second mile. Embarrassing. He had time to go and have coffee from the time he finished until the time I wandered across the finish line (actually, I sprinted the end).

Do you all remember running the mile in gym class in high school? I hated that. I was bad at it, as you might imagine given my 5K stories. I have figured out that now I am paying to re-experience that memory through 5K running events. It's some sort of masochistic torture, I guess. But, on a bright note, I improved my time by 4 minutes from one 5K to the next (the "hills" factor, I am guessing). Perhaps, I am not merely re-living the gym class failures, but trying to re-define my vision of myself from "non-athletic band dork" to "capable runner."

It's Vintage

While in Chicago, I did a little shopping. I actually breezed through a mall one evenign and after frustration at Express I decided just to window shop. Then, while enjoying an evening with a friend, I wandered into a second-hand store. We have these in Iowa, and they are called Goodwill stores. I never shop there, I just donate things leftover from my garage sale. Is that different from second-hand stores in the city? Probably. Anyway, we wandered in and started glancing through the racks of clothes. I found a pink band-inspired jacket that I liked but was a tad too snug, and then spied a short quilted jacket with a fur collar. It is bisque colored and the fur is sable colored (sounds better than beige and brown, doesn't it?). I loved it and so it came home with me. Once I purchased my treasure, I wondered when on Earth I was going to wear this 1950's 3/4 sleeve jacket. Where in Algona, Iowa is it appropriate to wear such a find without looking like you are dressing for Halloween or a "murder mystery" party?

Today I decided to shuck convention and wear my jacket. I have had more compliments and comments than I can count. I got comments that I look like Jackie O, or Audrey Hepburn or like someone off the pages of a 1950s fashion magazine. All nice. Our senior physician said, "That's nice, you look nice today. Acutally, you look quite striking." That was my favorite comment, "striking." I'll take that.

I wore the jacket with my hair up, hoop earrings on, ruffled leopard print high necked shirt peeking above and below and a brown straight skirt with platform beige pumps. I love this outfit. I feel quite glamorous. I am excited to pair this jacket with jeans sometime as well. I like vintage.

Getting Closer...

Surprisingly, the scale today ssaid a pound less than yesterday. Maybe I got rid of some water weight from the stress of the trip. Three more pounds and I will have lost ten percent. Cool.

It's all Relative

I am wearing more of my "skinny pants" that were tucked away in shame for a while. I got rid of bigger pants as promised. I should be feeling really good, right? Right.

I am wearing smaller pants, yay!!

They are my sister's old fat pants, boooo.

Joy is relative, apparently.

Same Shit Different Year

I just went back and read the beginning of my blog. Ha ha, there are things I forgot I wrote! That "Sound of Music" parody was a good one (good job, 34-year-old me). And I still want a boob job. It was fun to go back, but also made me sad. I have been doing this same darn topic and pattern for THREE YEARS!! That's a bit defeating....

Travel Anxiety

I have never thought of myself as an anxious person. I have begun to rethink that. Aside from the test anxiety, I have discovered that I have travel anxiety. No, I don't freak out about perishing in a firey crash or worry about heights in an airplane. I get anxious about being on time to the airport and about possibly missing my flight.

Unlike the test anxiety, I do not remedy my anticipatory travel anxiety with food. In fact, that particular brand of anxiety causes me to lose my appetite and my autonomic system going such that I need a bathroom handy (TMI, too bad for you fools reading this blog).

I also become compulsively prepared when it comes to travel. I like to be all packed and ready to go the night before, and then just add in toiletries the day of travel. I prefer to fly in the morning, so that I get it out of the way first thing and can relax again once I have reached my destination. I was unable to do this on my way home from Chicago on Sunday because I had to go to a class all darn day. Ack!! My flight was at 5:30, and I began compulsively preparing at noon. The funny part is that I didn't really recognize it as compulsive until my lovely new friend, Michael, pointed it out. It's bad to have other shrinks as friends. Or good. Whatever.

Sunday was terrible. I swear I went to the bathroom like 8 times (again, TMI, too bad for you). And, as an aside, this is another reason I should have lost AT LEAST 2 pounds in the past two weeks! I evacuated the channels thoroughly on Sunday and then have been eating SUPER healthy since then!! That should be 2 pounds! Back to Sunday... I left my bag at the hotel because the shuttle driver who loves me told me to do this so he could get my bag and come to pick me up at the classroom. He grabbed the wrong bag! Ack! So we had to go back to the hotel, but no big deal because we were leaving a bit early because of my neurotic ways. We went back and he got my bag, but was taking a while. I went in to check that he had my bag, which he did, but he was taking a while because there was a gaggle of other people with a luggage cart full of stuff wanting to get to the airport! "AAAAAHHHH! How long is it going to take to load up all of that stuff?! Where do we need to drop these people and is this going to make me late?!" These are quotes from my inner dialogue as I sat in the van with Michael giggling at my anxious state and being so kind as to video the moment. We finally got all the people where they needed to go - many at my concourse. That kind of freaked me out as well because they were all standing there being stupid and not grabbing their bag which impeded my ability to grab mine. I got the luggage and went inside to see the HUGE line at security. More anxious waiting for me with no possibility of a bathroom break. Then I had to haul ass (not really, but my anxiety made me think so) down to my gate, which ended up being in the basement at airport where I finally could relax and wait for my plane.

This, apparently, is genetic. I know this because I explained all of my anxiety to my mother and she said she is exactly the same way when it comes to air travel. She cannot relax until she is at the airport, at her gate and early. She, too, compulsively prepares and it would drive her bonkers to have something interrupt the planned schedule. So there. As with all things psychological for all people, I'll just blame my mother.

Really?

I weigh in tomorrow after two weeks of being off the scale and one week being out of town. I weighed this morning as a cheat. The scale said I have lost a half of a pound in two weeks.

Really?

I ran a total of seven times in those two weeks. I feel like I ate pretty well while in Chicago. Are my perceptions of that off, somehow? What does it take for me to lose a pound per week? I thought I knew. Apparently not.

Color me surly.

Really Good Writing

I have always enjoyed writing. My mother has stories that I wrote in grade school, and they are fun to read and much longer and more detailed than I see coming from my own children (especially my younger child who wrote a story called, "The Disappearing Ballerina" which went like this: There was a ballerina who danced and danced. Then, one day, she disappeared. The end.). This blog is a way for me to write for fun AND track my health goals.

I used to write for my high school newspaper. I also wrote for my college newspaper with such gripping news as "Hangover Cures: advice from your bartender" and I wrote the horoscopes. Seriously! I wrote the horoscopes! I completely made them up based on the lives of my friends and family who were different astrological signs, so if my sister was having a rotten week, look out all you Tauruses.

I have wanted to write a book, which I start and never finish because my ADHD is so bad. I have started writing about myself, thinking that my children might enjoy it at some point. Again, not finished. I'll get to it some day.

So, I fancy myself a bit of a writer. But, in my typical way, the minute I read something compelling or really well crafted, I want to erase this whole thing as drivel and just stop pretending to be a writer of any sort (perfectionistic, as usual: be great or forget it). I have had that experience in the past day, so I am fighting that and instead may try some new things in terms of topics, etc. I keep threatening to do this because I get bored with writing about fat and food and exercise, and writing about it all the time only feeds my obsessive tendencies. It's a difficult balance - writing to keep me on track with goals and measure progress in the tracking section, and not getting obsessive. Why is it so hard to balance this teeter-totter?

Greek Yogurt

Traditionally, yogurt is something I have not really enjoyed. I have often wondered if this is because I only used to eat it when on a diet and would eat the stuff sweetened with Splenda (which has that nasty aftertaste). I was taught that the texture gets better if you stir the bejesus out of it to get rid of any of that watery stuff on top and any chunky feel. In other words, yogurt has traditionally tasted funny and looks like spoiled milk - not so appealing.

My good friend, Loni, kept talking up "greek yogurt" as a delicious thing, plus higher in protein. I took her raving with some inward eye rolling. She even gave me a spoonful one day and it was not horrible, so I decided to try it. Much to my surprise the rest of the US seems to be on a Greek Yogurt kick, probably because carbs are evil and protein is good. Such is the diet fad of this generation. Anyway, I got the Dannon brand and it was disappointing. I got some sort of organic brand and it was better, especially the honey kind mixed with blueberries. Tolerable.

While in Chicago, I went to the grocery store and got some provisions for breakfasts to reduce my expenses in eating out daily. I bought cherries, blueberries, a bag of chips (oops, how'd that get in my cart?), oatmeal, granola bars, diet coke, and three cups of Greek yogurt. I got two different brands, Fage and then another I cannot remember. I liked both of them! Really good with the blueberries. I am now motivated to go home and find good brands of Greek yogurt. It's tasty. Try it. And don't roll your eyes at me.

BTW

Oh, and chocolate covered balls of chocolate chip cookie dough are fantastic. Don't ask why I know that.

I had another thought that I was going to share here in the random "by the way" posting, but now I forgot.

Test Anxiety

Today I am in class and it is very stressful because it is all about preparing for a very big couple of tests I need to take in the near future. In this class we are taking little quizzes as we go.

My friends, I have had a eureka moment. I already know that I am a stress-induced overeater. I have discovered something even more specific in my diagnostic formulation of my affinity for junk food. I have test anxiety! And this is because I hate, hate, hate, HATE feeling like I don't know the answers and am then dumb. I cannot seem to find any other way (or have not looked hard enough for one) to soothe myself through those moments, and so make them tolerable by the consumption of delicious things. This morning in class I was glad to only have fresh cherries available. I bought chocolate for this afternoon. damn it.

Out to Eat

Recall, sports fans, that I am currently in Chicago at a training for the week. I got here on Sunday evening and leave this coming Sunday. Luckily, there was a grocery store nearby and I went and got some granola bars for breakfast as well as yogurt and berries. I have run three times and will go at least once more if not twice. I'm feeling pretty good about this so far. I'm awfully nervous about weigh in when I get back.

Slippin and a Slidin

wooo, it's a slippery downhill slope, my friends! Mother Nature is f-in with my body and appetite and I cannot seem to find the "stop" button or even the "moderation" button! I ran three times this week instead of five, though I did walk a couple of times. There have been more concessions made in the way of food than I can count. So, I am scrambling at the bramble branches on the edges of this slippery slope and trying to hoist myself back up the damn proverbial hill.

I am going to Chicago tomorrow for the whole week. I have packed four exercise outfits. I packed my swim suit. I vow to come home with all of them used. I am also going to work on healthy eating while I am gone. I think I can I think I can.

I Deserve a Break Today

I am experiencing my usual hormonal fluctuations that occur about this time of the month, and I am crabby and HUNGRY! Today I decided not to fight any urge at all and just had a rather pleasant day of eating a bunch of delicious crap and not worrying about it one little bit. Well, maybe ONE little bit, but that was all. No obsessing, no fretting and no compensatory exercise. I enjoyed a donut, some ice cream bars (mini doves.. mmm), frosted animal crackers, a scone with a vanilla latte for breakfast AND I ate McDonald's for dinner. Wooo! That was some fun! I'm now off to scour the internet for why the hell my hormones prompt irritability and hunger and if there is some sort of pill I can take for that...

Slow and Steady

Ok, well, I weighed in and lost another pound. I am sitting here in my smaller sized jeans, which are pretty damn tight. But I can wear them, and I think they were tight to begin with - or at least that is what I am telling myself. I am working hard to be pleased with one more pound because now I am up over the 10 pound mark. That's good, right?! I would be thrilled with 8 more pounds, landing me at a solid size 8 clothes or thereabouts.

Back to The Grind

Well, vacation is over. I am back to my regularly scheduled life, and I am kind of relieved. This is a busy week, however. I finished my last test in my regular coursework for this dumb master's degree. That did not happen without two cookies to soothe my nerves. Stupid coping skill. But, it was the last one! yay! Until I have to take the comprehensive exams - boo. I'll probably have to eat a whole pie to get through those.

My kids start school on Wednesday and I will have to go to work early that day so photos are not going to be so great, I suspect. Oh well. We are hosting a going-away card party on Friday night, so there will be great food at that thing for me to work on eating in some sort of moderation. Saturday will be spent packing for a trip to Chicago and getting my family ready for me being gone. This means I will work on meal planning, clothing planning for the girls, schedule arranging and such. Then I leave on Sunday for a week of eating out and more stress.

In good news, I swam yesterday and am thinking this could be another "healthy activity" in my new lifestyle I am crafting. It's hard work, but I enjoyed it. I went for a brisk walk this evening and will run again tomorrow. Weigh in is Wednesday, and if I lose even half a pound, I will have hit the 10 pound mark. 6.3 more pounds from now and I will have lost 10 percent of my original weight. Gotta stick with this! I also now have shorts that need to go in the "get rid of it" pile of things that are too big. yay!

I Made It, Sort Of

Well, I can say that I have completed a 5K race. Notice I did not say that I RAN a 5K. Damn it. I walked! Twice! In my defense, it was getting demoralizing watching people around me walk and still be ahead of me. This one guy in his 50's would walk and when I would get up close to him or pass him then he would run and get out ahead and then walk again. GRRR!!! I really wanted to beat that guy, but I just couldn't. The course was really hilly. I mean REALLY hilly. Oof! I have not run hills like that since, um, maybe ever. It was just a series of hills, the whole way. Nary a flat spot to be found. Bleh. So, I walked twice at the mercy of these hills. And it was HOT! Sun was beating down on me, sweat stinging my eyes... can you picture the torturous scene? I finished in 34 minutes with an 11+ minute mile pace. The guy who won the whole thing finished in 17 minutes - half the time!! Double bleh. I did not get a medal for my age group. I got a Popsicle, an orange slice, a Frootsy Roll, a bottle of water and a sandwich cookie. And the satisfaction, or disappointment of saying that I finished my first 5K.

I will say that this has motivated me to do another one and beat my time in the next event. Storm Lake is pretty flat, so I am gunning for that one and I am going to keep training in the cemetery full of hills. Maybe I'll even run tomorrow - there is a nice place that is flat along the river and is about three miles if you run to one end and back.

On a positive vacation note - I have been eating salads because that is what my brother-in-law has at his house to eat: veggies from the garden! Today I am going to eat festival food and pizza. We'll see how that goes.

Success..whew!

I weighed in and miraculously lost another pound! I am so relieved. I had the fried food and chocolate incident AND I ate breakfast before weighing, something I never do. I ran on Wednesday morning in my new gear including the swishy Daisy Dukes. I was wedgie free and did not have to get out the Desitin to cure chaffing. Hooray! I also ran further than even the last time I ran in storm lake. Remember the bug incident? Yeah, further than that time. I ran this morning as well. Go me! The race is only two days away. Is it weird to be excited?

Investment

Oh! I meant to mention that I bought myself some new running duds today. This means I will continue to run, right? I bought a pair of shorts - tight kind that hits just above the knee, and a couple of tops at Target. Then I went to Scheels and tried on other tops and the salesgirl had me try on real running shorts. She was a tiny thing of all of 22 years (guessing) and pointed me towards these swooshy-materialed shorts. They are much shorter than I would ever wear, normally. But they are so light weight and I am so hot when running these days! The other thing about these shorts is that there is a pair of underwear built right into them. I'm not kidding! After a lot of hesitancy, I bought them. They make me very nervous.... underwear built in? really short length? I have worry thoughts of wedgies and chaffing. I'll let you know what I think after I try them out on the road.

Vacationing

Well, I would say that I have been semi-successful on vacation in terms of lifestyle changes. I allowed a bit of fried food (appetizers) but followed with broiled fish for dinner. I allowed some chocolate, but then had grilled chicken with veggies for a meal later. I had a strawberry margarita - and it was damn yummy! I have done some swimming, some walking, but no real purpose-drive exercise since Sunday morning. I will run tomorrow morning. I'm supposed to weigh in tomorrow morning. We'll see if I make it in to work to do so. I'm kinda scared....

Paranoia

My sister Sahm has been tearing up the terrain lately with her running. I have been feeling good about my accomplishments until she pops up with, "Hey, I ran ten miles today!" Good for you. No, really, good for her - it IS good for her and I would be super proud and wearing a tee shirt that read, "Can you believe I ran 10 miles today?" if it were actually me who had run that far. It's just that it makes my three mile runs seem like a warm up when they are really hard for me, thus making me feel like a jackass wimp.

She works out five days per week, and hour or more at a time, and sometimes goes for extra walks, 20 mile bike rides or lifts weights on top of all of that. That's some serious dedication to exercise. And she will admit that she gets kind of panicky and paranoid if she has to miss a workout or if she eats something fattening. It makes me shake my head at that skinny girl.

EXCEPT that now I am starting to get like that to a degree. We went out for dinner this evening and I ordered the grilled chicken entree with steamed veggies as the side and got a small side salad on my trip through the salad bar (no thank you, noodle salad and cherry fluff: add those to my medal collection). Very healthy! Yay me! Go healthy lifestyle! The entree arrived and was a chicken breast topped with tomato slices, bacon and provolone with chipotle sauce on it. I was prepared for the tomato (healthy), bacon and cheese (one slice each - I can handle that), but not the sauce automatically on the chicken. I thought that would be on the side. I had a moment of panic! I can't get that stuff off of there! What kind of calories am I ingesting? Is this one of those times where I thought I ordered a healthy meal and instead I ordered a gluttonous dish masquerading as a healthy thing?! Crap!! I ate half of it as-is, and the sauce had quite a little kick to it. I stopped and stared at the second half - still hungry but not trusting that dish. I took the toppings off and ate the chicken with as little sauce on it as possible.

Looking back, perhaps I have lost it a little bit and need to learn to live a little in this new lifestyle? That's just it, though. I don't know! I'm still learning the ropes here, and do not trust my own judgment when it comes to these things. I went for a walk and felt a little bit better.

See? Paranoid. I'll shake my head at myself now.

Vacation Looming

It's vacation time! yay!! I love vacation - mostly because it means I am not working. We do not have much planned for vacation this year, which is fine by me. Usually vacation is a food-fest. So, I am going to work on that "lifestyle change" thing I'm going for by having it be an activity fest or a relaxation fest or an anything-but-food fest.

One week until the 5K, and I'm pretty sure the terrain is hilly. Damn. Oh well, too late to back out now. I'm going to run some hills tomorrow - the measly ones I can find around here.

I may also go and do some shopping on my vacation. I am wearing a belt with some pants and that means it is nearly time to get rid of them in favor of smaller clothing. Hooray!!

I Like Mine Better

I went for a run this morning and did not have a lot of energy despite it being absolutely PERFECT weather - cool and clear and low humidity. I went at least 2.5 miles today but did not do the 3 mile route.

I got home and decided to weigh myself on my scale at home because I haven't done that in a while. Besides, I like torture. And.... I like my scale much better than the one at work. Then again, perhaps if I weighed at work in the nude, right after I ran in the morning I would weigh the same. My scale said 146.4. Still not the number that I want to see, but below the 150s. Still gunning for any scale to say anywhere near that number "130-something"...

Well, ok...

This week's weigh-in says I lost three pounds. I should be really happy about that, right? Well, I'm not. I really wanted it to be 3.5 or 4 to make up for last week's nothing. Besides, if I had lost 3.5 to 4, I would be back in the 140s, and now I have to still be in the 150s - gross. I really want the scale to say 130s kind of numbers, and that seems so darn far away and unattainable at this rate.

There is a major psychological difference between the 140s and the 150s and it has to do with the fact that I work in a medical office. We have medical scales aplenty here, and they are that scary kind where you slide the weights back and forth... you know what I'm saying. Anyway, there are top sliders and bottom sliders, and the bottom one goes from 50, to 100 to 150 to 200... and I want that thing on 100, NOT 150!!!

I will not give up. I will keep on running. I will keep saying "no" to dessert and yes to vegetables. I will look at adding some weights for toning in my arms and do my pushups and planks at night. I will see the 140s next week, by hook or by crook!!!

Medal 2... Anticipation

I present myself with yet another medal or two in the face of delicious desserts. Last night I passed on cake by Tina Marie, and this is wedding cake kind of stuff which is more moist and fabulous than I can describe. The night before that I passed on DQ ice cream cake.

I have been running/jogging - ran 3 miles yesterday and did one mile today but in intervals with sprints thrown in there for a change of training. I even bought a running magazine with training tips, so apparently I am getting serious about this. I signed up for the 5K in a week and a half.

Tomorrow is weigh-in. Everyone cross your fingers.... you'll hear the scream if the result is zero again.

Registered

I signed myself up for a 5K "run/walk" in LeClaire, Iowa. It's taking place on August 14th, so I have about two weeks to prepare. I am now officially freaking out about that a little bit. I mean, I shouldn't because I have been running and all, but I live in flatsville and what if it is hilly there? I need to check out the topograpghy. Anyone have a good elevation relief map? I keep reassuring myself that it is a run/WALK kind of thing and there will be plenty of people walking, but I don't want to walk! I'm looking forward to another tee-shirt with huge sleeves to add to my collection of stuff I never wear.

By the way, who the hell is this woman who voluntarily signs up for running events where her siblings are not guilting her into participation?! Whodathunkit?...

Earned a Medal

Tonight I had to go to a potluck end-of-the-softball-season picnic. I had to take an entree and side dish or dessert. I went to the grocery store to pick up said items, and my softball player said, "I'm coming in with you or you'll get some healthy junk nobody will eat, like 90-calorie granola bars." I frowned and argued that I would get something she and her sister would like, so she stayed in the car. I went in and bought a box of chicken strips and two boxes of cookies. There you go, kid. Junk as requested. I also bought an apple.

I went to the potluck and put my items on the table, teeming with goulash, pizzas, garlic bread, baked beans, taco salad, various noodle salads dripping in dressing, and oh.. the desserts. A giant sheetcake pan of m&m bars, frosted cakes, cupcakes, homemade cookies, cheesecake, and the two boxes of cookies I brought.

I ate my apple.

After we went home, I ate one chicken strip and a lettuce salad.

I'll take my medal now and it needs to say this: "for valor in the face of a potluck - minus five pounds"

Oh, AND I avoided the breakroom today - rumor has it there were things in there called "Ho Ho bars."

Aaaaaaand.... nothing.

I ran five times last week, including twice where I pushed the distance to up over 2.5 miles. I ate healthy foods, though I did have two chocolate chip cookies (see posting below). And, I lost... nothing. Stayed the same. Apparently my body believes there is a famine and is saving all of my fat for survival purposes. Sigh.

Stressed Backwards is.....

Desserts. That's what it is. I have been doing really well this week until today. I ran extra today, so that was good. I was hummin along with my day and took my two kids to the public pool where one decided to be an ill-behaved booger. Grrr. Then got home and they decided to argue. GRRRR! I went to throw away the leftover donuts (my dad bought them two mornings ago - gee thanks, Dad) and chowed into one on the way to the garbage can. AARGH!

This evening, my younger child turned into the incredible Hulk, so that was fun. She was a child crazed and possessed, and I was a mother thoroughly frustrated. Then once that was settled, the older one decided to point her anxiety at me, so I spent time counseling there. THEN I had a test to do for school before RAGBRAI makes its way through here tomorrow (I'm hosting strangers in my home, so trying to keep everything clean) and before the school's computer system is down for a couple of days for some sort of upgrade. I worked my way for that thing, which was hard and brought out all of my feelings of inadequacy. I doused that with diet Coke and two chocolate chip cookies.

DAMN IT!!!!!

I Warned You

I am soooooooo pissed off!!! I lost one pound this week. One. That fucking sucks. I worked really hard and got little in return. That is not motivating. I am counting on some return to entice my brain to continue overriding it's habit of immediate survival (eat, damnit!) and go with longer-term goals (eat sensibly, damnit!). I will not give up. It is worth it to lose a pound, rather than gain one or stay the same. I will step up my game if necessary. Grrrrrrrrr

Big Money No Whammies

Tomorrow is weigh-in day. I certainly have upped the exercise factor. I went on a bike ride this evening, thinking this would be leisurely but count as motion. Um, not so leisurely. I think my legs may be sore tomorrow, which will suck when I go running. I have been running further and feeling good about it until my sister mentions that she ran 8 miles today. Be-otch. I have been making good choices, well except for the DQ Blizzard on Saturday, but that damn Lampe bought it for me and it would be rude to let it melt by the pool in the 98 degree heat. I did swim for at least three hours that day. Otherwise it has been fish and chicken, veggies and all sorts of health foods. Lets all cross our fingers and hope this pays off on the scales tomorrow or i am gonna be pissed off.

Shattered Delusion

I have been working hard at this lifestyle change business. Like most people, I am impatient. I would like there to be a pill I take that makes me not have to struggle to make healthy choices. I would like for cookies to taste too sweet, or cake to give me terrible gas so I avoid it without much thought. I would like to NOT wish I had a Kit Kat bar when I see a jar of peanut butter. I say "like most people" because I know I am one of a big crowd in this wish. That's why people can make money being traveling hypnotists, selling "The Hollywood Cookie Diet" or some other juice or shake or pill thing that makes quick-fix promises. If any of that worked, nobody would be obese. Nope, instead I have to just make a pledge for today or for this moment that I am going to make healthy choices.

Vegetables. I have friends who eat a lot of vegetables and they seem to maintain a healthy frame. I do not know what my deal is with vegetables. I used to dislike most of them. As a kid I don't think I ate much outside of a green bean or corn. Now, I enjoy lettuce, spinach cauliflower, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, beans of all natures, peas, squash, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, etc. etc. Now, with that big variety of choosings, you would think it would be ok for me to fit some of those in at least twice per day. But I do not, as a rule. Vegetables have a tendency to get rotten in my fridge. I keep buying them, too. So, this is one of the changes I have in mind for this lifestyle makeover - "eat your veggies." I have no delusion going that someday I'll prefer vegetables over carbs, but still...

So, I have let go of my delusion that a healthy body will just naturally be mine, that I can eat what I want and not gain weight (still resentful about that one), and that there is a quick and easy way to make the needed changes here. Also, I ran again today and have let go of the crazy thought that I will be ready for a half marathon in September. Maybe a 5K, but not a half marathon. Turns out I was right in suspecting myself crazy on that one.

Biggest Loser

I joined the "Biggest Loser" contest at work. There is money on the line, here. Obviously I am grasping at straws. I did get up and run again, and plan to continue that. I also put a cap on the feed bag.

Everyone else in my family seems to have adopted this thing they call "lifestyle change" where they watch what they eat and make exercise a regular part of their life, not just a weight-loss effort. Hmmm. The exercise part seems pretty key, too. So, I guess I will have to get on that train and stay on it. This roller coaster ride is getting old.

There are people in the world who can eat whatever they want and not seem to gain a pound (freaks of nature). After months of trying, I have concluded that I am not one of them. I was hoping to join that club but they won't let me past the doors with this butt. Damn it.

Not Last, but Nuts

Well, I did the Ride Run again this year. I woke up hoping it was raining with thunder and lightening. No such luck. But, it did manage to rain at about mile marker 4 and continued all the way through the rest of the 12 mile course. Soggy shoes suck. But, as always, I'm glad that I did it. We did not come in last place.

The whole thing has me a bit bonkers because now I am tempted to train for the half marathon happening in September. Say what?!! I could try the relay version where you split the thing with a partner. That's still over 6 miles of consecutive running. You do one mile of running at a time and suddenly you think you can run 6? Girl, you crazy.

Up and Running...Almost

I went for a jog yesterday. Hooray! I combined this with some walking, but jogged at least 1/2 mile if not about 3/4 mile and sprinted the last couple of blocks. I felt pretty good about it, though my legs are a little sore today. It inspired me to continue to get back on the exercise trail, so I set my alarm early and wore my running gear to bed. Then the alarm went off early... I hit that thing and crawled back in bed. Sigh. Well, there's always tomorrow.

Crime and Punishment

Did I ever fall of the wagon this time. Woooooooo. I have gained about 12 pounds in four months. Ouch. So, all of my clothing that I was proudly wearing is too small. I am so angry with myself! I know how this happened - quit exercising and ate whatever I wanted (which is mostly cookies).

My wardrobe is a shambles of stuff that I hung onto from heavier seasons past. As punishment for my crimes against myself I am refusing to buy any new clothing. I can just suffer through and wear this worn-out junk until I get my rear in gear and in shape again. Take that, lazy arss.

In other news, I believe I also found a flaw in my previous thinking and actions that supported my weight gain. After I had lost some weight, I hung on to all of my heavier-seasons clothing. It was easy to gain the weight because I had clothing I could wear. Heck I had not really bought well-fitting clothes (not that many, anyway) and a lot of my clothes were too big. This encourages weight gain because there was no discomfort in my clothes. It is only now, when I am wearing my biggest stuff and if I gain any more I have to buy bigger.... um, no. There's where I draw the line. See? I think if I had invested in a new wardrobe and gotten rid of the old stuff, perhaps that line could have been at five or seven pounds instead of 12. Sigh. Lesson learned, I suppose. Won't make that mistake again. It's just scary to get rid of those bigger sizes when my past pattern has been to lose weight and then gain it back. But, maybe getting rid of the clothes is an important step. That's my theory, anyway. I'll test it THIS time when I lose the weight AGAIN with those healthy habits that tend to serve me well.

In other news: I am going on a trip in about three weeks, so I would like to lose five pounds by then. That's doable. Let's see if I can get there, shall we? I do not want to go in my ratty clothing. I want to pitch those items in favor of a few cute new duds in which to cavort on vacation. It's a good goal.

What the Hell?!

I pride myself on being a fairly intelligent person. After all, I went though graduate school, passed national licensure exams, and am continuing studies. I can carry on a converstaion with some fluidity and know the difference in spellings/useage for the various form of their/there/they're.

I know not to use drugs. They are fun in the short term and bad for you in the long run. They turn out like a country song - lose your job, lose your house, lose your kids and your spouse and your dog and your teeth. No thanks.

I do not gamble. It's fun for a little bit, but in the end I walk away with no money and nothing fun to show for it.

I drive a minivan. It is practical, it hauls a lot of things, it has a DVD player for the kids. It is paid for. I don't buy a new vehicle because I would have to finance that purchase and I hate paying lots of interest, and the van is in good working order.

See? Fairly rational, even practical. So WHY IN THE HELL did I bake cookies at 9 p.m. last night? I am a nut ball.

Like My Tan? It's Fake.

I went to Florida a month ago or so. Before I went, I decided not to be the whitest person there and got a spray tan. I was a spray tan virgin at the time, and thought I would share the lessons learned with any of you who might also be sans spray-tan experience.

Spray tanning is kinda gross. I mean, I stood in a little room where the walls and floor were caked with layers of spray tan overshot from clients past. The carpet was mildly matted and tacky with the stuff. Yick. There were a couple of box fans and an oscillating fan, also with a fine coat of brownish gunge. More on these later..

When I made the appointment, the folks at the tannery let me know that I could wear swimwear, old undies, or anything I didn't mind getting spray tan stuff on. I was also welcome to be in the buff. Okey dokey. I went with the old undies option. Let me just say that I would not recommend wearing anything you care about - that spray tan stuff does not wash cleanly.

Then they start up the air compressor on the car painting equipment and start sweeping a fine mist of tanning spray all over you, as you stand in that pose into which gingerbread men are cut. You also get to wear a pretty shower cap (I'd recommend hair in a pony tail for this experience) and hold your breath for getting your face sprayed. After many coats and a careful once over by your spray tan artist, the fans are turned on you. Nothing like being finely misted with liquid stuff and then having fans pointed at you. BRRRRR!! After a while of drying time, you get to put your clothing back on and go about your business. I would not plan any big events immediately after tanning this way. The smell is not great. Not horrible, but not great.

You cannot wash any part of yourself for about 10 hours after the spraying, so plan accordingly. They even say you cannot wash your hands. EW! But if you go crazy washing your hands, apparently the effect is that your hands look like you tanned with gloves on them. I tried to wash quickly and concentrate on soap on the palms. I'm sorry, I am not going to skip washing my hands after going to the bathroom. That's just nasty. It felt good to shower the next morning and get rid of that tanning smell.

The nice part is that the spray tan looks pretty darn good! It lasted about four days. Unfortunately, it discolors your toenails. If doing this again, I would paint my toenails at least with clear polish before going. Maybe that would come off better. This stuff is still growing off of my toenails and cannot be removed with polish remover. I just painted over it to get rid of that nasty yellowed effect. I also had not taken into account the change that having an instant tan would require in my makeup. I figured it out well enough, but something to think about in the future.

All in all, I give spray tanning a thumbs neutral. Good result, not-so-fun process. All said, I'd do it again. Tan fat looks better than white fat.

DQ Jones

I've got a DQ jones like crazy, so I fixed that right today by eating one. Mmmmmm. Then I noticed that I felt pretty crappy. It wasn't guilt, my body just felt like a tub of goo. It was worth it though. :)

Making An Effort, Live the Example

My 12-year-old child is growing again. They do that a lot. She has been in this fun transition from child to adult body, growing more than 5 inches in two years and gaining weight accordingly. I bought her a pair of jeans about a month ago and they are now tight. She FREAKED out, wailing that she is fat and ugly. Oh, good. She is nowhere near overweight. I had a big talk with her about bodies and shapes and growing and such. Part of this was a discussion of healthy habits and healthy bodies. She is in track and softball, goes out for basketball, and was in cheerleading. That makes her physically active all darn year. She eats like a horse. So, I encouraged the activity, and talked about food choices and that steady equation of calories in and out.

After this discussion, I decided that I should lead by example, so I have been working hard to eat when hungry, and make healthy choices about what I eat. I don't want to pass my struggles and habits on to my girls. I don't want them to fall into the junk food trap and be lured constantly by sweets. I want to teach them balance. It's not about banning foods, it's about making smart choices about amounts and frequency. So, here's to feeling better about me, feeling better by the very nature of healthier habits, and feeling better about passing on good habits to my children.

I Bought Another Book (aka..A Fool and Her Money)

I bought a book/magazine from Women's Health on making this "my year" for fitness. Why do I buy these things? They all say the same thing - eat healthy foods and cut out the junk and the pop. Exercise - do a variety of things five out of seven days per week.

Do I keep hoping one of these books will say, "Just eat ice cream and cookies every day in place of vegetables and you will fit into your skinny jeans by Friday!" They are not going to.

Well, I'm chalking this one up to be a really expensive exercise journal (handily provided in the back of the publication) with workout ideas.

Do the Hustle and the Splits

I borrowed a workout video thing from my Boot Camp sister. It's called, "Hip Hop Hustle" and is basically dancing with Shalene Johnson, creator or TurboKick. I did it last night in my basement and enjoyed it while working up a sweat. I think I'll do it again. I also have been doing crunches and pushups at night, and have been trying to work on doing the splits. Yeah, I know, doing the splits is just dumb. But, I make my 7-year-old practice them for dance, so I am trying out of some weird sense of fairness. Fairness, and an equally weird thought that being able to do the splits would be an amazing parlor trick.

I Promise I'll Run, Later

I am a tub of goo! It's like I decided to let myself go to seed. I've managed to work my way right back into all of my bigger clothing. Right before summer! What kind of knucklehead lets themselves go right before summer?!! Apparently, I need another bout of H1N1.

I have been considering many things. I looked into Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem. Those are expensive! Plus, then I have to cook other foods for my kids and then eat my pre-packaged foodstuffs on my own. I did the Mrs. Iowa program for about a week and I probably should go back to that. It was successful and I wasn't hungry. I cannot do WW - just due to averse conditioned reactions.

The thing I am really avoiding, in case you hadn't noticed, is exercise. My sister has been a dedicated workout fiend, and she has been tearing up classes called "boot camp." This class scares the bejesus out of me. I went to the gym once last month. Once. Once!! Seriously? What am I thinking? I am thinking that I really dislike exercise. I wish I liked it. I wish it was at times that are convenient. I wish it was my outlet. It seems to be the outlet for my siblings. They swear that it is not fun while doing it, but that they are so drawn to the fantastic feeling afterward, they do it anyway.

So, I bought some new running pants and told my sister I would do the ride/run again this year. I promise I'll run, later.

Staring at The Dancing Stars

I have one of those Visa cards that have a "points" program. These things accumulate with no real rhyme or reason. I get announcements on how to get double points, but it's like on a Tuesday if you are wearing red and you visit a certain website and order tofu. I don't know. I do not pay much attention to them, except to glance every now and then at how many points I have. I checked into the kinds of stuff you can get with your points and there is a pretty good range. I could save them up for the rest of my life and go on a fabulous vacation, or with a very few I can get gift cards to restraunts that do not exist in my town. Anyway, I was looking through the "merchandise" section and hey! they had the "Dancing With the Stars: Dance off the Pounds" video! So, I ordered that thing right away, and they shipped it to me.

I tried it last night. I hope I don't sound like a big old bragger if I say that usually I am a pretty good dancer. I have taken ballroom dance lessons and was told by an instructor that I am pretty good! So, this is not just self-appraisal. Anyway, this workout video was HARD! I got through the first section just fine, and it was interesting yet challenging. The music was rotten, but at least the workout was satisfying. The second section was really tough, and they did not give nearly enough instruction on how to do the steps safely (mechanics so you don't hurt your knees) or effectively (how to make your feet do them). I kept up for the most part. The third part lost me. I ended up standing there, staring at Dimitri doing some fancy box step crossing his feet over themselves repeatedly and jumping around. I tried it, but was thinking I would fall down. I did not give up, but I wanted to pull Dimitri right into my living room (cuz he's hot, and because I needed more instruction). Sigh. I'll keep at it and see how it goes.

Thus ends today's product review....

Weekend Ahoy

It's Friday! Yay! Well, sort of yay. It is easier for me to make sensible eating choices when I am at work. Why? Well, because I am WORKING, so I can't really be eating. When I am at home, nobody considers it rude of me to eat in front of them, so I have the potential to go to town with the snack foods. So, I'm just going to work on scheduling enough junk to do so I don't have idle time. I have plenty of reading, cleaning, knitting and kid-watching to do, should be a cinch. Should be...

Testing, One Two

I went out for drinks with my spouse and a group of friends and was really happy with myself for NOT eating the fried pickles, mozzarella sticks and potato skins dripping with cheese and bacon. Man, they looked good.

Pay it Forward

I got two emails today from friends paying me compliments. These were totally out of the blue and so sweet I literally welled up with tears. They made my day! I am now off to send emails to other people and try to make their day, too. This is not a "forward" kind of thing, but was so cool I can't help but suggest that you all take a moment to tell a friend why you think they are fantastic.

Oh, and if you don't do this within 7.3 minutes your face will fall off and rabbid squirrels will surround your house.

Weight Loss Tip #477

Don't watch the Food Channel's countdown of fantastic places to eat. Deep dish pizza in Chicago, ice cream in Philadelphia, doughnuts in Montana, drool in my living room.

Shout Out

How old is that saying, "shout out"? Pretty old, I'm sure.

I would like to take a moment to reverently pay homage to my friend, Micki. She got back on the WW wagon and has been super successful in her quest to tame the beast that is hunger and the wide availability of delicious fattening crap food. Way to go, Mick!

Tight Pants

Day two of carb balancing, and mine are still out of balance. It was better today, but EVERYTHING has carbs. 50 grams of carbs per day is really hard to do. Cauliflower has carbs, carrots, black beans, and all sorts of things that are healthy and have protein. Protein of 22 grams is hard to hit per meal as well. I think I have to start eating whey protein powder like it's Lick-a-maid with a beef stick as the candy stick part.

I was feeling pretty good about my eating habits, so I decided to get out my jeans that I bought after my bouts of illness and good eating. These were my favorites before the holidays. Now they are my tight pants. Two days of better eating has not changed that fact. I think I will wear them every night and wash them often so they are straight out of the dryer. They sure helped me avoid giving in to the carb cravings this evening. And if these get too comfy to be effective, I have those pairs of pants from Mrs. Iowa to try. Don't even get me started on the sad fact that her fat pants are my "pinch me, I must be dreaming" pants.

Carbs Are Hard to Balance

Tricky devils, those carbs. I made it through my first day on the Mrs. Iowa plan and discovered that I ate way too many carbs! The problem is in my protein shakes that have a nice amount of protein but also a whole bunch of carbs. I was not looking carefully enough when those were purchased.

At work, I am unable to take a break to eat. So, the shakes were an easy way to get in my 10:00 and 2:00 meals while sitting in session with patients. Now what?! I can't just whip out a baggie of beef jerky and start snacking away in the midst of sessions. Anybody know of some low carb protein drinks that don't taste like crap?

Givin You the Skinny

I talked to Mrs. Iowa yesterday... actually I should post about yesterday's adventure, but not right now. I talked to Mrs. Iowa and she explained the "Carb Balance" get-skinny plan. She calls it "clean eating." I didn't know I was eating dirty, but I guess that makes sense. Anyhow, there is an Excell spreadsheet involved and goals for each meal in terms of carbs, proteins, fats and roughage. This is based on a five meals per day setup. You eat breakfast, and then again at 10, noon, two and then dinner. My thought is that I will give it a try only because I think perhaps I will not be hungry on this deal due to eating so darn often.

In the spreadsheet there are pull-down menus of foods and values and all sorts of stuff like that. She recommended that I spend today studying the system and making meal plans to fit in with the drop-down menus. Um, no. See? I'm already oppositional defiant! I went to the store and bought things that I think will fit into this kind of plan. I spent a long time at the store reading labels, watching for protein, fats and carbs. I came home with vegetables, protein shakes (cuz those are quick for my 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. meals), high fiber crackers and natural peanut butter. I got high fiber bread and chicken. I also came home with HoHos and a Reeces peanut butter heart.

Like my usual night before I start a new diet, I ate delicious junk - the PB heart, a small McDonald's french fry order, and the HoHos. I decided that HoHos are off of my "delicious treats" list. The PB heart was divine, and the french fries were equally tasty. The HoHos were waxy and unsatisfying. I'd like to say that I took two bites of the HoHos and pitched them due to their blahness, but no, it took me all three HoHos to make the call that they were not worth it. I kept thinking, 'Why have I always loved these before? Is it the cream? It's pretty good. It can't be the chocolate on the outside. Maybe they have changed it?' I tried to mollify my guilt by being glad that one more junk food has made it's way OFF of my list of things I might pine for while "eating clean." Now, that I think of it, I do feel pretty dirty for having eaten all of that.

Here was my other rationale for eating like some starved fool: tomorrow is weigh-in at work for a round of "biggest loser" contest there. I am thinking I will join in the contest and this will be another motivating factor (money!). If tomorrow's number is a bit inflated after a pig-fest, then it will be easier to have lost some by the second weigh in and not owe money. It's statistics! Regression to the mean! You know you have your excuses down pat when you can use statistics to support them.

Well, now you all know the scoop. I'll keep you posted on the clean eating spreadsheet diet.

Two Thumbs Way Down

Have you seen the commercials for the toy called "Aqua Sand"? It looks fun, right? There's an aquarium with a cute scene in it, and then you squirt this sand in and you can shape it to create amazing underwater sculptures! But wait, there's more! When you are done you simply scoop the sand out and place it back in the squirt bottles because, gasp!, it's DRY!! This way, you can use it again and again for hours of sculpting fun. It comes with two exciting colors of sand with which to create your amazing underwater sculptures, a sculpting tool and a scoop, as well as a funnel for each bottle of sand. Oh the joy!

Apparently my niece had seen the commercial. So, yesterday when she went with her family and my daughter on a trip to the shopping mecca of Mason City, she SAW the aqua sand and enthused enough about it to earn herself and my daughter a set. How nice! Naturally, my daughter was equally enthused. She got it out first thing this morning. She was a bit disappointed by the size of the aquarium, but that was ok. We tried opening the sand tubes by pulling off the foil seal and that was futile. If you buy this toy, just get out a knife and punch the seals. Ok, then I filled up the tank, careful to leave some room for the sand. Ready to go.

Aqua Sand sucks!! She could not make anything except mostly a mess. The sand has no "off" mode, so it just keeps pouring into the tank all willy nilly. Also, I did not leave ENOUGH room for the sand, so it started to overflow. Dumb me, I had put the thing on the kitchen table. It quickly got moved to the counter right next to the sink. A lot of the sand floats along the top of the water, and it clings to the side of the tank, making it hard to even see what you might have been trying to create in the way of a random sculpture. Oh, well. She did have fun pouring it all in there.

After messing around in a water tank with sand in it, it was time to take the sand out. This is the worst. They give you a scoop that is about a teaspoon, so you get to remove a cup or more of sand, one teaspoon at a time and then try to pour it in a tiny funnel. Sand all over the counter. Especially if your six-year-old insists on doing some of the sand removal. And I do not know why they even bother with separating the sand into different colors because it all ends up in a big swirly mess.

Thus ends my review of "aqua sand" - horrid toy of the week.

Waterpark of Embarassment

We have planned a family trip next month (the 12th-14th) to the Waterpark of America near the Mall of America. We went last year and it was a lot of fun for the kids and for us. The waterpark in the hotel is amazing! There are great waterslides, pools, hot tubs, and even a surf-pool. We will go to the Mall of America and shop just a little bit. This year I think we are going to take my girls and my nieces to lunch at the American Girl cafe where they can bring their dolls. Last year we went to the store and Ava had her doll's ears pierced right before getting her own done at Claire's later that weekend. Fun!

Wait, though. Waterpark. Water. In public. Eeek!! That means wearing a swimsuit! Oh, man. Ok, just found some new motivation to break out of so-so mode and into "lose the Christmas padding" mode. Maybe I'll start wearing my swimsuit around the house so I can avoid eating junk there. So, nobody had better just "drop by" for a visit. Call first.

So-So

I wonder how the term "so-so" got started. You know? Who first said, "It's just so-so."? Anyway, weird curiosity aside, I am doing so-so on my goals. Working out more than none? Yes. Working out every day? No. Eating healthier than I was over the holidays? This week, yes. Eating according to Mrs. Iowa plan? No. Really understand the Mrs. Iowa plan? No. Understand the basics of consuming fewer calories and regulating blood sugars to curb hunger? Yes. You see my point.

I have been doing the abs and pushups, but not every night. I'm up to 10 pushups, which is still pretty crap. I did two sets of Turbo abs section - decent but nothing to write about. Well, except that I just did. Whatever, you get the point.

so-so

I have a social engagement on Friday evening that is a belated Christmas party full of Mediterrainian appetizers. Sigh.

Dance Mom

I find myself in a new category of peoples this year. I am a "dance mom." My younger daughter has been in dance for about 2.5 years now, and this year she is doing "competition" dance - is in a small group and they go to dance competitions. Her routine is in tap dance style, and there are extra lessons, costume, makeup that goes with all of this. There is a camaraderie amongst the moms of these little dancers. There is a whole culture to this thing that I did not really appreciate before I agreed to let her sign up for this. It's one of those things that can look crazy if you are not a part of it. Seriously, I wonder if we aren't a bit like those little kid pageant moms. Anyways, I'm all in. I'm talking wigs and makeup and practice prodding and spending every Saturday morning until May at the dance studio. And though it may not be for the faint of heart (or the busy of schedule, or protective of weekend down-time), it has its charms, watching my six-year-old falap-ball-change her way around the house. Also, as a bonus, I now know a whole new group of women who exchange waves with me as we pass in our minivans.

As an aside, they have dance lessons for adults on Sundays. The instructor swears that it is for exercise only, and it intrigues me, but I have never taken dance. We'll put this idea in the "scary" pile.

P90X Chicken

I know several people who have done the P90X workout. I am afraid of this workout. Mostly, I'm afraid it is one that I will get and then stand there staring at the TV with "the look" while the guy works out. "The look" was coined by my sisters, referring to people in their exercise classes who are glaring at them with the "You expect me to do that? You are nuts. I hate you." message exuding from their inner selves. I have been known to give "the look" often.

So, back to the home workout idea. I used to do Turbokick at home, 5 days per week. Woo! I was on fire, I tell you! I have since been spoiled by group fitness classes on non-carpeted surfaces. Doing TK on carpet is not so nice to my knees because it is difficult to rotate sufficiently on the balls of my feet. Also, when doing a workout at home, I find it so easy to stop when I am tired and just watch those crazy enthusiastic fools sweat their buns off on TV. I do better in a group or class where I feel like a slacker for quitting when everyone else is moving and jumping around. Don't get me wrong, I still think of them all as crazy enthusiastic fools. Sometimes I fantasize that all the participants stop doing the exercises and throw things and swear at the instructor for being a fitness Nazi. This fantasy is really fun because most time the instructor is my sister.

Anyway, I am afraid of P90X. I am afraid that I will quit without social pressure in the room. I am afraid that I can't do the exercises and this will be demoralizing rather than fun or motivating. I am afraid that my desire to be a size where it is fun to shop for clothing and not embarassing to wear a bathing suit is weaker than my desire to work hard to achieve that goal. I am afraid that I will start and not make it through the 90 days because I have a great stockpile of excuses to skip out, and then I will feel like a big ole failure for being a P90X dropout. I am afraid that P90X will be like gym class when we did the Presidential Fitness Tests and I will hate it. I am a big old P90X chicken.

Maybe I'll try the Dancing With the Stars video instead.

8/30

I did the crunches and push ups last night. I did 8 pushups and 30 crunches. That's pretty rotten. I mean, it's better than zero, but still. The 8 pushups were a struggle. Let me clarify for a second - I do not do modified pushups - these are regulation. I think my brother can do 75 or more. I'm shooting for two sets of 15 or 20. I don't want man arms or chest, though.

I thought 30 crunches was a respectable first effort. I'd like to work up to 40 regular crunches, then 40 obliques exercises and then something for the lower abs, too. I had also thought about eventually just working on rotating in the abs work from Turbokick. My brother and sister have done some sort of crazy ab video by some Kathy lady (not Kathy Smith, either). Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to try it.

Onward and upward.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Well, I went and worked out. I was not great -pretty lame, really. I felt really out of shape! It has been maybe a month since I last worked out, so that should not be a big surprise to me. Getting out of shape happens quickly, and getting in shape is a long haul. That is not a good reinforcement schedue for motivation, I have to say. But I paid my $10 to go to classes, so I am going to make that effort to haul my hind end over there at least once if not twice per week.

I used to do situps (crunches) and pushups every night before bed. It didn't take too long, didn't interfere with my sleep, and over time I noticed a difference in the number of those exercises I could do. I don't remember why I stopped. I'm thinking I could start that up again. Maybe I'll add it to my tracking space.

Fighting with Myself Right Now

Turbokick and Yoga classes are tonight at 5:15 and 6:15 respectively. I should go. I wish I wanted to. GRRRRRR!!!!!! Flim-flam, hassa-fracka-sacka, grumble, thblthpth!!! (that last bit of noise was me sticking my tongue out and making that spitty noise that I don't know how to spell)

I don't want to go! I should go! I'd feel better if I went! I want to curl up in a sweatshirt and surf the web! I want to be healthy! That's a bunch of crap, I don't give a rip about healthy!! I'll feel like a cow if my sister goes and teaches those classes and I don't go with no good reason! I'll BE a cow if I don't get up off my ass and do something!! I felt so good when I was even four pounds lighter! I can do this, WHY DON'T I WANT TO?!?!?!?!

Ok, then. I have to leave and get my daughter and take her to dance. Everyone root for that girl who works out and feels good, and not for the one who likes short-term comfort and long-term pinchy pants (or worse, BIGGER pants!). ttfn

Checkin You People Out

I have myself a couple of new followers, and as all of you "old" followers know, I totally love you all for reading my dumb blog!!! So, I clicked on the new folks' profile thingies to see more about you and welcome you formally to my little journey. I would like to also say, "thanks" because knowing that you are out there are reading this lends me some motivation. Apparently, I perform better with an audience.

Stock Up on Beef Jerkey

Well, my New Year New Diet mode lasted for about 3/4 day yesterday. Sigh. I talked to Loni last night and found out a little bit about the diet plan. It's based on five meals per day. No carbs past the 2 p.m. meal, though Loni says I should eat a whole grain serving of crackers or bread or something when I start so I won't feel deprived so much. I like the way she thinks. There is a way you are supposed to balance fats, protein and "roughage" and carbs. So, she gave an example "snack" meal of 3 ounces of Beef Jerkey and some celery and an orange. For breakfast, she gave the example of a piece of whole grain bread where you cut a hole in the center and fry an egg in the center and eat that with a side of picante sauce. I'm going to try to set up a meeting this week to get more serious about this idea. I even bought fish and scallops and shrimp, cauliflower and clementines. Now, I just need some beef jerkey.

Spam Comments

I reviewed last year's blogging just for the hay of it, and came across a spam comment. I had some weird follower last year and successfully deleted them. I have had spam comments before, but they ended when I deleted that strange follower. Well, I found ANOTHER one. So, I installed that thing where you have to type in the nonsense word to make a comment post. Sorry everyone, a few have to make it harder on the rest of us, I guess.

New Year New Diet

Oh, you knew it wouldn't take long for the D word to end up back on this blog!! Yup, it's another new year, so once again I resolve for this to be the year where I eat really well, work out and look my personal best. That last part is getting more anxiously stated every year. I am recognizing that my personal best can probably not be "my best ever" any more due to the stupid aging process that I have mentioned in my decade review.

This year, I am going to work with my friend, Loni, Mrs. Iowa. She went on an eating program and swears by it. She is ridiculously tiny, and I have no delusion that I am going to end up looking like her. However, she swears that this "clean eating" plan with carefully metered carbs/fats/proteins balances will melt weight off of anyone. Ok, Loni! Sign me up. I am going to start healthier eating on Monday, and will set up a meeting with her to review this eating plan. Tune in next week, folks, when I let you in on what sort of habits and restrictions I am setting up in the name of a smaller butt.

If Men Ran Christmas

I really like Christmas. So, before I go off on this little mental trip with you all, please let me acknowledge that I do all of the things that I do for Christmas because I enjoy the whole effect. And it's a lot of work, but I like the outcome and I like that my kids get the experience.

Ok, so that stuff aside, I just put away all of my Christmas decorations and was thinking about all the stuff that comes with Christmas and how much I do. Then I was thinking about how nice it must be to be a man at Christmas. Well, or at least a man married to a woman who puts a lot of effort into Christmas. I mean, really. Warmly decorated home, cards mailed (after the photo is taken, card made and letter written) to all of your friends and family, thoughtful hand-picked gifts wrapped and under the tree in carefully coordinated papers and ribbons, cookies and candies made and arranged on platters, meals planned, kids fed, and then everything cleaned up and put away. All while you sat and drank a beer and maybe made sure the kids didn't kill one another during meal prep and clean-up. That's awesome. I invited my spouse to write the yearly Christmas letter and trade that job off every other year between us. He said, "That'd be fine if you are ok with us sending out cards every other year." Ok, then.

So, what would it look like if men (or, at least, my spouse and brothers-in-laws) ran Christmas? Homes might have Christmas trees. Decorations would otherwise be pretty sparse. My house would have some outside lights. Christmas cookies would be purchased from stores. Few, if any, cards would be sent and no photos would be included. There would be a lot of gift cards under the tree, or a few packages from stores where gift wrapping is offered. Dinner would be some sort of grilled meat and frozen veggies, or spaghetti or pizza. Paper plates may be involved.

I suppose that would be ok. But I like my version better. So, I will refrain from unleashing on my spouse my annoyance, sarcastically reading off the second paragraph from here, ending with a, "Must be nice to have Christmas like when you were a kid and have that CONTINUE into your adult life!!" I will kindly NOT say that, even though there is a part of me that wants to do so. Instead, I will hold on to a smug sense that my kids and my spouse are lucky it is me and not him who is running Christmas around here.