Panic Poet at the Gym

This is the LAST week of Turbokick class!!!! What am I to do?! Crap crap crap! I need at least another couple of months of this class, and it is moving to 9:30 a.m. I am at WORK during that time, so that's a no go. And I am bad at doing it on my own. Bad, I tell you.

I'm going to have to resort to Pilates or something. I have no desire at all to do Pilates. Maybe kettlebells can firm my fanny, whittle my waistline, curve my calves, de-jiggle my arm wiggle. Here is my haiku, inspired by my exercise reluctance:

Standing in the gym.
Love handles I do not love.
Push myself! Work out!

Here's another:

Sweat rolling down neck.
Breathless. Acheing. All meant to
Work off that cookie.

Jesus Died for my Sins (thank goodness)

Well, I did not smash the wagon to bits, but I am not the shining star on the wagon, either. I gave myself a big ole freebie weekend for Easter, vowing to not care about what I ate. I'm Methodist and we don't do guilt. (Or at least that is what I have been told by my elders.) So, yay Jesus is risen! I'll eat frosted cookies to celebrate! And potato salad! And cheesy potato casserole! And green bean casserole! And fresh-baked dinner roles! And angel food cake! And chocolate, of course! Because what says "eternal gratitude" for my Lord's sacrifice? - chocolate, that's what.

Well, the weekend wasn't a total loss. I did go on a nice long walk on Saturday morning - wore out my fat old dog who hasn't been on a walk since Fall, poor thing. Then we took kids to this really cool new park and I climbed on and played on everything there, too. It was fun! Except for the "saddle spinner" which is this seat that you give yourself one little push and will then spin for all eternity until you put your foot down. I had to try really hard not to hurl.

And at one point, I felt like crap. Seriously, I was jittery and felt slightly ill after too many cookies and little Hershey's eggs. Too bad that didn't translate into at least a week of feeling nauseated at the sight of sweets. Heck, I still can't really stomach Bacardi Limon (after a bad episode at my sister's graduation party, ending with drinking the stuff straight out of the bottle and heading straight for the bathroom to talk on the big white phone), and that's after about 10 years post-OD on the stuff. So why don't I have that same aversion to frosted sugar cookies? Darn it. Oh well. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..... I'll say two Weight Watcher's pledges and vow to stay out of my kids' Easter baskets."

Sledge Hammer, Please

I weighed myself this morning, cuz I know I have not exactly been following the points system like in my brief but shining days of glory. 146.5 - up 2.5 pounds. This pisses me off. I had on my PJs, so I quickly stripped (sorry for the nasty visual image) down to my skivvies, and... 146.5 - up 2.5 pounds. THIS PISSES ME OFF!! Frigga-frack! I have been faithfully going to Turbo Kick and I push myself in that class. I get low in my squats, reach high with my arms, add in the extra bounces for those extra calorie-burning moments, but all to little avail, apparently. And I could handle it if I could see some change in my body shape or something. But nope, same old oval-shaped slab of flab laying like some big gooey egg on my abs. Same wrinkled dimply knee fat, same size of clothing, same rolls that squish over my pantyhose. I'm not only about to fall off of the wagon, I'm about to jump off and smash the damn thing all to bits. Anybody got a sledgehammer?

Silent Indiscretion

I caved. I opened the box of Peanut Butter Fatties from my girl scout crack dealer. I opened them on Sunday evening and ate three of them. Then I ate two more on Monday morning, which means I polished off a row of those sons-a-bitches within a 12 hour period. I went to indulge again last night, but could not find the box. I found the shiny silver interior packaging in the garbage. This means that my spouse ate the rest of the box between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. yesterday. I incriminate my spouse because my older child does not like peanut butter and chocolate (because she is part alien, I am convinced) and my 4-year-old did not even know the cookies were in there. I did not say a word to him, and he did not mention anything about finding the open box in the cupboard. We have both been caught being naughty, but I'm not saying anything because he'll be able to come back at me with "Yeah, but you opened the box, Ms. WW!" So, we'll both pretend that neither one of us ever saw a cookie, ate a cookie. Those cookies never existed in my household.

Temptation, Thy Name is Cookie

If you have not figured it out yet, I am a sweets-eater. My father is a meat and cheese fool, and I discovered that my aunt Patsy is a fried foods maniac. We all have our weeknesses, it seems. Well, for me it is baked goods. Peanut butter ranks right up there as well, and so the ultimate temptation came staring straight at me last night. Right in the back of my Cottage Living magazine (where I pine for other people's houses) was a cake plate full of homemade peanut butter cookies. As if this were not bad enough to get my salivatory glands on overdrive, they were SANDWICHED together with filling made from peanut butter, cream cheese and powdered sugar. I almost needed a bib to protect my shirt from drool. AND the recipe was printed handily right next to the photo. OMG, thank goodness I was fresh out of cream cheese cuz I had all the rest of the ingredients and was this close to getting out my mixer and firing up the oven. Why are cookies a part of Cottage Living? I just want to drool over house plans, remodeling schemes and interior decorating. Pray that I do not buy cream cheese at the store this week.

Why I Should Have as Many Shoes as I Want

I love shoes. Seriously, I do. I love them. And my husband does not understand this at all. If I buy a new pair of shoes, he says, "How many pairs of shoes do you need?" This is not about need, though women truely need more shoes than men. Our wardrobes look pretty goofy without the proper shoes (brown loafers with dressy wide-leg pants look BAD - as do many other shoe/outfit combinations). But here is my ultimate argument for why I should be able to buy shoes whenever I take a shine to a pair: I never feel fat in shoes. I will never ask my husband, "Do these shoes make my butt look big?" I have shied away from shoes with things that wrap around my ankles due to some issues with my thick ankles, but all other shoes are good - no problems with colors that make me look dead, cuts that stick to my thighs, etc. And as an added bonus, high-heeled shoes make my legs look longer, stomach flatter, and legs more shapely. And so I love them. One of my new favorite brands is called "Naughty Monkey" - they make wonderfully fun shoes. Oh, and the same sentiment for purses and earrings, though I love each of those things less than shoes.

Tipsy = Skinny

Well, I went to the funeral and the table of cake was there in all of its glory. Seriously, there was an L-shaped buffet line and the tallest part of the L was devoted to cake. It wasn't just a cake table it was a string of about three tables together making up the Red Sea of cake. And whoever was cutting these pieces is not on WW. But, I managed to resist the 4x4" slab of yellow cake with chocolate frosting that was calling to me, and grabbed up a slice of angel food that went nicely with my lettuce salad and fruit and one thin slice of ham and dab of scalloped potatoes. Yay for me! Good choices!

After the funeral, I went along with my parents and sister to visit my Grandpa, and then my aunt and uncle. Then we went out for dinner with a different aunt and uncle who were in town from Colorado. We went to "The Townhouse" - this is your typical dive-ish bar that also serves food. Their specialties are pizza and broasted chicken, served with the slightest hint of bar smoke aroma in the air. But the food is good. And I had a rum and diet coke to start with. Now, these are empty calories, I know. But, after eating my 1/2 English muffin for breakfast, then the WW compliant funeral buffet, that rum and coke went straight to my head and then apparently I believed I was a size 4 and ordered broasted chicken, broasted potatoes, and got cottage cheese instead of the coleslaw (not because I was trying to eat healthy - I just don't like mayonaise at all, and thus not coleslaw). And I ate it all. And it was gooood. And this morning my stomach was very unhappy with me. So, I shut it up with a cake doughnut that my father bought and brought to me. (Once again, rude to say "no, Dad, I'm not eating that doughnut you picked out just for me. I've changed my lifestyle." - sigh) So, I skipped lunch, and tonight had most of a piece of leftover cheese pizza and a brownie.

Stupid weekends.

Sad = Hungry?

I'm going to a funeral this weekend. My uncle (by marriage on my dad's side) passed away this past week, and though I was not terribly close to him, I'm going to the funeral because it's family and that's what you do to show support for my aunt, cousins, etc. But with funerals comes food. Why is that? We get sad and eat? Yes, we do! When someone in your family dies, people bring you flowers, cards (sometimes money), and food. Because all of those things make you feel better, I guess. Flowers are cheerful. Cards have nice sentiments, and money helps defray expenses or makes you feel good about donating to a good cause. Food, well, I guess food is given because people assume you'll be too sad to cook for the large crowd of mourners at your house (true), but nobody is bringing over salad and sugar-free jello. They bring piles of ham and casseroles and brownies, cakes and cookies (oh my!). So then we can be sad, full, and later sad about the fact that our pants are snug. Would it be weird if I brought the mourning family a workout video? "Here, work out. It'll make you feel better...." yep, that'd be weird. Luckily, I am just going to the funeral and the luncheon, so I will avoid the cake table. Or at least I hope that I will. Who knows, maybe I will be so sad that the only thing that will cheer me up is a fudgy brownie. Dang it! Why are brownies so frickin good?

Just Say No

It is day 5 since the crack has been in my home and the box remains unopened. Innocent-looking girls on the cover of the cookie box with a cookie displayed right on front with a meticulous bite taken out of it. But it remains sealed. Just say no to crack cookies.

But, I want the job of taking the meticulous bites out of delicious foods before you photograph them. "Oops, bit a little too much off of that one, try again. Uh oh, that one crumbled on the side and we need that perfect half-moon bite, get another one...." Someone gets paid to do that. Actually, I bet someone got paid to invent some dumb biting machine that does that. What a waste.

Flag on the Play

I would like to throw the "no fair" flag! Men have an unfair advantage in terms of weight loss. They lose fat faster, they built muscle faster, and let's face it, they are more easily "forgiven" for carrying a few extra pounds. My husband disagrees! What?! He and I went on WW a year ago or so, and he lost like 13 pounds in the time it took me to lose 5. So, my brother might also gripe at me for this post, but I'm going to pre-empt him with a "whatever" thrown his way. Have you ever watched Biggest Loser? Who wins that show? Dudes. Not cuz they work harder, not cuz they "have more weight to lose" - but because dudes have more testosterone, build muscle and rev up their metabolisms. So, here's a big "NO FAIR" for all the ladies who are trying to lose some weight along side some dude.

Farewell Luncheon for My Daily Points

Today at my office there was a farewell luncheon for a nun who works in the department who is leaving to do a new job for the convent. I took the opportunity to use the occasion to also say farewell to my daily allotment of points. Cuz how rude would it be to not eat at the lunch for a nun? I tried to load up on the pico de gaio (that cannot be the correct spelling, but close as I'm gonna get to the phrase for the mix of veggies that you get at Mexican restraunts to put on chips) and opted for the multigrain chips. But somehow the spanish rice ended up on my plate along with the fantastic cake. I'm blaming my midwestern socialization for this one - It's just rude not to eat at the party. That's messed up thinking, isn't it. Crap. Good thing I'm going to Turbokick tonight.

Laws of Physics Do Not Apply

Why is that it takes a solid week of deprivation and workouts to lose two pounds and one evening of gluttony to gain three. Can anyone explain that to me? That shit is just not right, I tell you.

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen

My cookies showed up, right on schedule. And I frantically thought of how to dispose of them, when I had a thought: Eureka! I can take them to card club and pedal them off to my unsuspecting friends! I was feeling like a super genius, AND great cuz I hauled my ass onto my treadmill yesterday and ate fiber/protein cereal and my 2pt. bologna sandwich. Super dieter!!! Able to resist french fries and cookies in a single day. I was invincible!

And then we went to card club. Sahm was there and noticed that all of the women must be PMSing cuz there were an inordinate amount of sweets present. I brought the Crack Cookies and some pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting cut into 1" squares (cuz people eat more if they are bite-sized). Sahm brought chicken and cheese dip in the crock pot to eat on whole wheat crackers. There were chocolate dipped strawberries, and pheasant with wild rice and mushroom soup. Then there was a plate of cheese and summer sausage and deer sausage. My friend who had the superbowl party brought the thing that brought me to my knees in pig-out submission: some sort of snack mix with M&Ms, cashews, cereal (duh) all topped off with a mixture of butter/karo syrup/brown sugar. Holy crap, it's kryptonite!!

The only thing I left alone was the turtle cheesecake. I was miserable all evening, and my scale was angry with me this morning. I flipped it the bird and then flipped myself off in the mirror. Stupid card club.

Back to basics today, folks. Bran flakes and coffee all the way. And I'm staying out of the breakroom - Superbowl Hostess brought the leftover kryptonite to work today. Bitch.

Girl Scout Crack Dealers

I'm sitting in my living room, watching my picture window, waiting for my hookup. I've already pre-paid, and I'm almost sweaty with anticipation. C'mon!! Where is she?! Normally, one would not pre-pay a dealer like this, but mine wears a green uniform with a sash and is about 8 years old. Girl Scout Cookies are here!!! Ug. How are you supposed to resist those things, especially when they are pedaled by freckle-faced girls needing the cash to get to go to summer camp? Dang it! It's impossible. The cookie industry has found a way to worm their way into our homes once again. Wait, I gotta go, my cookies are here.

Cheater Pants

No, this is not like Fat Pants. Though they make "cheater" pants - those ones with the hidden elastic that gives you like two sizes of play in your pants, but have you seen those? They're not exactly fashion forward. Face it, they are for old people and if you ever see me wearing them put me either in a rest home or psychiatric unit cuz I have totally lost it. No, I wanted to blog about diet cheats - those things we do to trick ourselves into believing we are neither hungry nor deprived, though I can say with certainty that we are both. So, here we go:
Morning Coffee: is this just me? Seriously, my morning coffee (Monday - Fri., no weekends) is a diet cheater. Caffeine = thing that makes me feel full AND handy digestive system regulator. What? Too gross for you? Too bad - it's cheaper than colonic and you know it makes a difference on the scale.
Boca Burgers: When jonesing for a big old greasy burger, these can be a good alternative and are very filling. They're vegetarian burgers, yo! But, don't eat them at lunch at work - given that they are made with beans and soy and stuff like that, they may cause innordinate amounts of flatulance. And I'm only a fan when they are on a bun (Earth Grains makes great high fiber burger buns) with mustard, pickle, lettuce, etc. - when plain, they just kinda gross me out.
Hostess 100 cal Cakes: OMG, these are the frickin bomb. See, now you know I am in full diet mode cuz these are NOT the bomb. I mean, Hostess regular cupcakes, Ho Hos, Twinkies, fruit pies - those are rediculously delicious and total garbage in terms of nutrition and fat content. But when not on a diet, I don't tend to give a crap about nutrition and fat content. However, when on a diet (as we have established that WW is), and pining for the days of Hostess gluttony, those 100 cal cupcakes are enough to take the edge off and a good value at 1 point for three tiny cupcakes.
Light Bread and Low/No Fat Bologna: Put these things together and you have a two point sandwich. Two points! I think Sarah Lee makes the best light bread, though D'Italiano also makes a good one. And which one of you whispered "gross" when I mentioned the rubbery-looking bologna? Whatever. It's good.
Spray Butter: It's good on toast - flavor minus calories. The garlic flavor one is also good. You'd think I would list spray salad dressing too, eh?
Fat Free Italian Dressing: I tried the spray dressings, and did not enjoy them. Maybe I need to check out other flavors, but both of the ones that I got were not too tasty. On the other hand FFID (see bold title) IS good - has flavor, etc. And 0 points.
Sugar Free Jello: If you don't know about this one, you have never been on a diet and I do not know why you are reading this blog.
Fat Free/Reduced Fat Cool Whip: see above - sugar free jello explanation
Raw/Unsalted Almonds: What?! Nuts!? Those are fattening, right? Yeah, but good kind of fat, folks. And 7 almonds are worth 1 point and very much take the edge off of those pesky hunger pangs.
Gum: This is one passed on by a friend. And demonstrated by my brother when we went to the movies and he passed up the popcorn, etc., and offered me some gum. I was amazed. Tasted sweet, satisfying, and no greasy fingers. My friend swears it can work in other times of hunger, and I intend to try it out.
Flavor Packets for Water: I love these things! My water is now rasberry lemonade and it's sugar free! And the WalMart brand ones are pretty good too - and cheap as all get out.

Ok, I am sick of typing. Feel free to comment on your favorite diet cheaters. I wish there were cheaters for exercise, too. Sigh.

Just Say No to Cookies

I made it! Another victory for me! Today I managed to go on a shopping trip, go out for lunch, and THEN over to Sahm's house where her spouse ordered takeout for everyone and I STAYED WITHIN MY POINTS RANGE. "No way." - you say. It's true! I turned away chips at lunch, even when they were already on my plate. I opted for the low carb wrap instead of the sandwhich I wanted (and it was pretty good, actually), AND I passed up some of the best frigging cookies on the planet. Not only did I pass up the cookies, I stopped and bought some for my spouse and kids, but none for me. Sahm gave me a bite of her oatmeal rasin cookie out of sheer niceness and a hint of pity. I won't lie: I wanted to rip the rest of the cookie out of her hand and gobble it up like the great poo-bah of cookies, old blue C. Monster, himself. "AAAAAaaaaahhm, numm, numm, nummm, smack, gulp (desparate eye scan for more cookies)" Seriously, cookies are one of my greatest frequency binge foods, so to pass one up is a crazy accomplishment. So, that alone would have me walking tall today, but then when faced with takeout food, I ordered a chicken breast sandwich (that automatically comes with fries) and did not eat the bun nor the fries. So, I'll be accepting pats on the back, but you'll have to get in line behind me and see if you can reach around my big head.

Paydirt

Hoooray!!!! My scale said a lower number (see tracking section) today! So, it seems if I stick within my measly points limits AND work out, I lose weight. Duh.

WW, for all of you who do not know (and who would that be? nobody who reads this blog, I think) has the "points" plan where every food has a points value and I track them like crazy. And I get 20 points per day plus 35 throughout the week as "wiggle room". 20 points is NOTHING in terms of foods that I would eat if I had the metabolism of Sahm's husband who can eat at KFC three times per week or more and never gain a pound. (Bastard) One day I ate a half of a turkey and ham sandwich with a piece of cheese, a banana, and a Wendy's kids meal with 4 chx nuggets, kids sized fries and a kids sized frostee ("cuz frostees are the shit" - according to my brother) and I clocked in at 21.5 points for the day. DAMN! So again, I say, WW is DEFINITELY a diet. I know, I know, I shouldn't eat fast food at all, but whatever people, I like that crap, and I think I should be able to eat the occasional kids meal. Is that the food-crack-whore in me saying, "Yeah, but I should be able to have a little crack every now and then?!" Sigh. I'm hopeless. But I'm a thinner hopeless. ha!

Turbo Jiggle

The kind of exercise that I have been doing is called "Turbo Kick." My sister teaches the class at our local YMCA, and she does a superb job. For those of you who have spent some time on your living room sofa surfing the TV for some entertainment, you may have run across TK's commercially available sister "Turbo Jam" created by Shalene Johnson to be available to the masses. My first experience with this "fat blasting, fast paced, exciting workout!" was when one of my sisters loaned me her Turbo Jam video about two years ago. At first I was a TJ fool - five nights per week, sweating, kicking and turboing my way to a skinnier me. Then I got bored and reduced frequency a LOT.

Now I am back to TK, twice per week. I enjoy the class environment. The only part I do not enjoy are the friggin mirrors. I am just staring at myself doing these moves and my whole midsection is like something made of jello. Gross. I am now thinking of wearing my Spanx under my workout clothes. How gross would those things be to peel off after a workout? Sigh, I'll just have to keep working to reduce the jiggle.

Phat Girl Makes a Friend

Today I ate lunch with a friend, and in that process discovered a kindred spirit. I cannot tell you how glad that made me feel! Remember how I was mourning the cold bar stool left empty when Sahm went off and became Uber Exercise Woman of profound strength, muscle tone and defined calves? Well, I quit crying in my beer this week, and am quietly (well, not so quietly now I guess) but resolvedly (is that a word? means: with much resolve and dedication?) working on my own Phat Girl recovery program - inching away from the bar stool that tempts me with fried cheese and cookies. Are you all smacking yourselves in the forehead saying, "Um, DUH! Wasn't that your big goal when you started this dumb blog?" Well, yes. And shut up.
Anyway, so I had lunch at Subway (had the apple slices instead of chips and one of their non-fattening sandwiches - the ones that Jerod ate to lose enough weight to fit into one leg of his former giant pants) with this friend, and we both started talking about our desires to lose some pounds before the summer, and in this discussion I discovered that I am not alone!! She, too, per her report, makes enough time to exercise but not eat well, or makes time to eat well, but then falters on exercise. She has also known the satisfaction of being at a weight that makes clothes shopping bearable, even enjoyable, only to fall off of the health wagon and grow out of those clothes hanging dejectedly in the closet. She admitted that she thinks about weight daily - ME TOO (um obviously, I have a whole dumb blog about it). You know, not every moment of every day, but at least once daily! And that she feels all of those differences that I feel - blah when eating like crap, lower energy when heavier than we want to be. And we have similar weight loss goals, so we're at similar points in the journey and this seems to make a big difference to me. Ahhhhhhh.... and in this commeraderie I have new hope. How silly is that?? Well, I don't care. Misery loves company, and apparently at similar levels of misery. AND to top it off - today was a very good day - exercised and ate well. So there. Take that, bar stool.

"Not a Diet"...Whatever

Weight Watchers claims that if you do their program you "stop dieting and start living." Because apparently the WW plan does not count as a diet. This is a load of crap, ca-ca, hooey, shit. Anything that requires you to reduce the number of calories or kinds of foods that you would normally eat to maintain your weight is, by definition I think, a diet. Any manner of changing your eating habits to purposefully create that whole "energy expended higher than calories consumed" scenario (the one that makes you lose weight, per medical reports) IS a diet. Any plan that prompts you to eat a can of green beans for dinner when you'd rather have lasagna and garlic bread is a diet. So, I just wanted to put that out there. It is a diet.