Resolve

Happy 2009, everyone! Did you all make resolutions? I did not. I should, though. But I am hoping to regain my resolve for exercise. And, yeah, I know I am going to have to do more than "hope" for that. It's like saying I'm going to "try" to work out. Um, I either work out or I don't; right?! The only way one can say they "tried" to work out is if they went to the gym, got up to the exercise equipment and a hoard of meatheads swarm them, grunting loudly and dropping weights on their head. OR if you got to the gym and developed sudden explosive diahrrea. Both would constitute valid effort ("tried"), but were interrupted by external (or internal) forces that were beyond your control. Every other valid effort ("try") would end up in success (actual workout completed), and therefore cease to be a "try" situation. Got me? There is not much room for "try" or "hope" here - but plenty of room for "do."

I want to know why I have such a tough time sticking with these healthy habits! I am able to get on the wagon. I have done it several times. And it sucks to high heaven, I must say. It is considerably difficult for me to get through the first couple of weeks adjustment from sloth to activity. So, why do I quit? Why do I allow "a couple of days off" to turn into months? What is the matter with me???! The only framework I have for understanding this is an addiction standpoint (since I have some experience in treating addiction) - I do well for a while and my warped fatso brain starts talking at me again - "It's ok. You look fine! You can take a few days off. It's only a couple of pounds; no big deal..." Like my own personal crack dealer in my head, peddling spare tires and badonkadonks that LOOK like innocent cookies and cheeseballs, and LOOK like a nice evening knitting on the couch.

Crap crap crap! And it's not like I am unaware. This is pure insanity, folks. If you have ever been in therapy or are a mental health professional or are friends with a mental health professional (I think that is all of you, right?), you have heard the definition of insane behavior: Doing the same thing and expecting different results. So, my analysis is that my resolve is only shallow and this has been my main problem. I am committed to a diet, but not a lifestyle change. I consider my efforts temporary solutions to temporary problems, but I think the reality is that it is a PERMANENT problem (damnit all, anyway!) and requires a permanent solution. In addiction terms: I have admitted a problem, but not accepted that it is a part of my very fiber.

So, how do I change? How to use this fanatastic wisdom? It's simple, I think. Just do it. Stupid Nike had it right. Get on the treadmill, do some workout tapes. Quit whining about time and do it. Track things, work out, etc etc. I also recall something in my addiction work (recall it quite clearly, actually) about asking for help. That's right - I'm flat out asking. Will you all help me? I will blog, and I will track, but I need your help. Dorky as it seems, I would like to ask you to ask me how things are going - to cheer me on when I am doing well, and NOT help out my fatso voice with things like, "Oh, you're fine." Ok? Anyone? Is this mic working?

This blog brought to you by my inner skinny bitch. She has seen the carnage fatso voice has created and she is pissed. She is fighting Jaba the Hut, and thanks you for your support.