The Most Important Meal of the Day

I do not eat breakfast. I know that I should. It is said to be the most important meal of the day, and while on vacation my brother and sister gave me a good lecture about starting your metabolism and stuff like that. So, I'm thinking I should give breakfast a try. I'd like to start my day with a homemade egg McMuffin. We'll see if I can pull that plan together. If not, there are always Fiber One bars.

Vacation Calories Don't Count

I'm on vacation!! I've been in Colorado since Saturday, visiting my brother. We have had a great time, and walked all over the darn place. We also went jogging one morning and my sweet baby brother had me do hill sprints. My legs were SORE yesterday! So, I should be burning all sorts of fat this long weekend, right? Ooh, except for all of the calories consumed with fantastic foods, desserts, and alcohol. But, I'm on vacation, so none of those calories count. Or, at least, that's how it should be. I'm headed home today. Is it just me, or is it universal to always wish for one more day of vacation?

Camouflage

I have had people be surprised that I wear a size 10, sometimes a 12 (I try to stay away from those brands) depending on the item. Recent guesses have been in the size 6 or 8 range (like my friend who I swore was smoking crack when she said that). Ooh, I wish.

Here's the facts of the matter, I am good at camouflage clothing. I have my mother to thank for this: teaching me the art of playing up your good features and finding stuff that disguises the not-so-ideal parts. These are the same principals found on "What Not to Wear," only I am ok with synthetic fabrics that they hate (sorry Stacy and Clinton, I can't afford cashmere). These rules are simple, but the clothing varies from body to body. I have a wai'st, but have big 'ole thighs and squishy knees. So, I stay away from those blousy tops that get tighter at the hips, drawing eyes down to legs. With my clothes, I am shooting for waist skimmers: "look HERE, not there" kinds of things. Sahm has fantastic legs and struggles with a poochy belly, so those blousy tops make her look like a supermodel. It's a shame we don't share clothing well, though.

Sexy Skirt Day

I have this skirt that I really like but do not wear that often. It is a pencil skirt that is perfectly fitted and even flares a bit at the back hem with some pleats fanned out there. It gives me a great hourglass figure as long as I am standing up. Why the posture restriction? Well, because if I sit down I get the "three speedbumps" effect from my boobs, roll in between my boobs and waistline and then the one from my gut. If I sit up really straight, it kind of reduces the effect, but still... not so "hourglass" then.

Anyway, I wore the skirt today and have had several compliments. So, a quick fix for feeling gut-tastic: wear a sexy skirt that makes your butt look badonkalicious. I may have to wear this every day.

Speaking of Guts

I am back up the scale again, I fear. In fact, I fear it so much that I am not stepping on the scale. Eating habits ... bad. Exercise... none. Bleah.

I went to a waterpark over the weekend and wore my bathing suit. I have a tankini and do NOT enjoy my gut peeking out of that thing. So, you would think that would motivate me, right? I was going to eat healthy today and work out. Not so much... My workout plans were foiled by the science fair, and eating plans foiled by nothing other than the fact that I love food and it is everywhere. Sigh...

I am hoping to do the Ride/Run again this year and this will motivate me to get running again when the weather gets warmer.

In the meantime, I am going to Colorado this coming weekend and there is shopping to be done (yay for outlet malls!). We'll see if I buy anything for myself. Usually when I feel chubby, I buy things for my kids and spouse and make myself wear the same old junk that fits. Just call me Debbie Defeatist.

Who Are YOU?

Today, my blog thingy on my dashboard says I have five followers. Well, you all know how it sets my heart a-flutter when folks comment on postings and how thrilled and humbled I am to have followers, so you can imagine that I was curious to see who this new follower might be. I clicked on the icon to see who all you followers might be, and.... nothin. It won't tell me who you are. This is driving me slightly nuts. What's up, blogger.com? As if my gut is not enough tourture...

Voluntary Humiliation

We are having an "employee wellness" thingy at work where you get free blood test and body composition. I did mine this morning and am embarassed to say I am at 26% body fat. Yeesh. My BMI was in the normal range by the skin of its love handles, but that at least was the good news. My blood work looks good except for the BUN/Creatinine level was a little high and that has something to do with my kideys. I'll be asking more about that or looking it up on the web. I should know what that means, cuz I studied that stuff last semester, but I forgot. I'm doing well to know it has something to do with kidneys. And, for my troubles, I got a drawstring bag with our hospital logo on it. Sweet.

UPDATE: I got a read on my labs by a real and actual physician who said that the creatinine thing is related to my liver and is MEGA HEALTHY. Also, my cholesterol is fantastic. So, I can eat fried cheese and drink more booze, apparently. Woo hoo!

Got My Irish Up

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you that I ripped a couple of guys a new asshole at the bar last night. I was standing in between the bar and a table, talking to people at the table (back to the bar) when I hear some sort of snickering and muttering and feel SOMETHING TRACE ITS WAY FROM MY INNER THIGH UP ONTO MY ASS!! My hand went into a fist and I whirled around to see two sleezeballs at the bar looking right at me.

The Irish in me wanted to punch them and wanted to do so BADLY. But the local psychologist in me decided that would not be such a good image to leave at the bar, as I might likely get escorted out of the establishment. Instead, I ripped into them with the following (or something very closely related but possibly with more f-bombs if you can believe that):

Which one of you motherfuckers just touched my ass?! (they both denied, one said something about someone else telling him to do it) That's fucking bullshit! I am a married woman, and you are lucky my spouse is not here. If you even think about touching me again I will fucking cold cock you in a second. I'm serious, if you even brush my arm I will punch you in your fucking face.

It pisses me off all over again when I type it. I will fantasize that I punched them - a swift hook to the jaw. Motherfuckers.

Drinking Delusions

I obtained the perfect level of intoxication last night. It was fantastic. I rarely drink, mostly because it is not that practical and I don't love the taste of any alcoholic beverage any more than I love just plain diet coke. But every once in a while, I enjoy gettin my booze on. And let's just be clear here, I am a booze drinker, not a beer drinker. It has to be pretty hot out and I have to be pretty bored or desperate to drink beer.

Anyway, so last night they had the annual "nut fry" (no almonds or cashews were fried - the other kind of nuts) in a neighboring town, so I went with a group of people, exclusively for the entertainment value. I did not consume any fried nuts. We had chartered the party bus (It's like a shuttle bus: airport-to-hotel sized.) so I had a Schmirnoff drink on the way to the nut fry. I had a couple of drinks and we moved on to the next bar (another Schmirnoff on the way there), where I had a half of a beer (desperate and trying to be social - green beer). Next bar, and I had some sips of my sister's cranberry & vodka and then half of some kind of green shot that tasted like melted chip mint ice cream (cream de menthe, peppermint schnapps and baileys, perhaps?). Reasonable amounts (five or six drinks) spread over seven hours. This adds up to the perfect drunk = buzzy but no hangover the next day.

I partied with Sahm, which was a blast. When I have obtained the perfect drunk, I get delusional. I am the hottest girl in the joint, who is suddenly super thin and can eat fried cheese at any hour (say, 2 a.m., for example) with the best singing voice and I am the most hilarious as well. I find people who I swear are going to be someone important in my life, like my brother's future wife or my spouse's new business partner or my new best friend. Oh, and I am also the best dancer, unless Sahm is with me and then I am the second best dancer. Apparently, I am a fun but narcissistic drunk. You all want to party with me now, right? Well, get in line right behind me, myself and I. ha ha!!

Too bad alcohol is "empty calories"....

School Fundraisers

Ick. I really dislike school fundraisers. I know they are needed, and such, but I just don't like running around begging for money and asking people to buy stuff they don't need and don't really want.

I will say that some fundraisers are better than others. I do not object so strongly to fundraisers involving food. I mean, I am going to eat anyway, so.. Bake sales are nice, as well as soup suppers (I don't have to cook? awesome) and pancake breakfasts. I will buy a candy bar for a dollar, no problem, as well as a can of cashews or a box of oranges.

I will also buy items of normal use - wrapping paper, bath/shower gels, candles, discount coupons to stores I frequent locally, and clothing items (tee shirts, sweatshirts, underwear, whatever) emblazoned with a local team logo.

I will be happy to give straight cash. In fact, could we save ourselves a boat-load of trouble by just donating cash to the school at the beginning of the year? We could just ask our usual relatives and colleagues at work to pitch in what they would normally spend in junk they don't want, and... money for the school and no junk in our homes.

My least favorites would be magazine sales and calendars. I already have enough magazines! I have bought subscriptions as gifts, but even then I'd rather buy a friend something else (like candles or wrapping paper, bath/shower gels, discount coupons or local team clothing items). Bleah, magazine sales. So, my sincerest apologies for those of you in my circle who will be hit up by requests for magazine sales by my 11-year-old. Oh, and calendars: I want to buy a pretty calendar for my kitchen or office, NOT your photocopied flimsy thing with all of the dates of the track meets and Quiz Bowl team competitions eating up the spaces. fugedaboudit.

School fundraisers are one of those things that I doubt very highly I will miss when my children are grown.

It's Only Ten Days

My sister (not Sahm, the other one) and I were commisserating about bottomless-pit-itis today and she had a suggestion that perhaps if one were to completely script their day with regard to foodstuffs, the tendency to eat too much would be reduced. This is the "structured diet" approach, where each morsel consumed is preplanned, thus taking the random nibbling and scrounging out of the equation.

Ok, total aside, but I am amused as hell that I managed to work the word "foodstuffs" into my posting today. Ha ha! How have a written a diet blog for over a year and just now come up with that one? Plus, I used "morsel." Whoo, good stuff.

Ok, so what do we think about structured diets? Anyone? Thoughts, opinions, reactions, emotions? My immediate reaction was, "Ewww. No way. It's not realistic, and it's so rigid, and I don't wanna, and what the hell makes anyone think I would stick to the plan, and, and, and..." And if I had that much of a reaction, I am thinking this is probably something I should try and is probably exactly the approach that would work for me.

Honestly now, I have a very good friend who approaches food in this way. She eats cereal or toast w/pb for breakfast, always a salad at lunch and a snack of fruit, and then dinner with nothing fried or processed or any crap. She allows herself rare treats on special occasions as I had proposed in my lecture to myself earlier this week, and she stays thin and healthy and feels good. I always thought that would be a boring way to live. Maybe not. Maybe excitement doesn't come from food (gasp!). This sounds an awful lot like one of those lifestyle change thingies that the medical profession is always touting. And that is where my reaction is bourne, I believe. I'm ready to get rid of this unhealthy weight, but not so ready for the lifestyle that supports it, or at least am not enthusiastic about that being my lifestyle. Ball of Confusion... and the band played on...

Sister Dear pulled out a structured eating plan that came with a workout video. They always send those "sample eating plans" with workout videos! They try to just sell you on working out and then hit you with, "If you really want results then try this eating plan of fish and hummus and brussel sprouts!" Anyway, the sample plan she read didn't sound horrible and is a 10-day plan. The materials said, "It's only 10 days..." So now I am considering it, but have to find 10 days where I could actually do it. I'm off on a vacation next weekend and the one after that (because I rock!) and I don't want to overhaul my lifestyle on vacation. What fun is that? But fun doesn't come from food?? So, I'll let you know if and when I start this nonsense, er, I mean good idea. (Can someone hand me that 5/8ths wrench? I need an attitude adjustment, it seems.) If it works I could rip off an A-team line and head my post "I Love It When a Plan Comes Together." Stay tuned. And tell me what you think of this idea!

Mother Nature and Father Time

I think that Mother Nature and Father Time have conspired against me. It's that time-o-month again, so I am a feeling gut-tastic AND hungry nonstop. So much fun. My two TK workouts this week are not even going to come CLOSE to cancelling out the food I ate just today. Whatever.

By now, aren't you all thinking, "Here we go again. Same story different month. You get PMS-ey, eat a bunch, bitch about it and how bloated you feel..blah blah blah."?? I would if I were you. And yet - here we are again. I am a human garbage disposal, eating my children's picked over foods and craving fast food breakfast. And I got my monthly bill (hooray for me not being pregnant!! no offense to those that are, but...), so all of the hunger and carb cravings and bloat are explainable. But are they excusable? Is there some way to combat or change this stupid roller coaster that is my hormonal hunger?

Here's where I would like to lodge a complaint. I believe that I have mentioned that my Aunt Flo used to be pretty predictable, steady, manageable. She now has morphed into this crafty old ho-bag who tiptoes into my life nonchallantly (minipads), then kicks my ass [super-plus plugs every hour plus extra fortification for inevitable needs, super long diapers at night (navel to ass crack's end) and seriously considering just staying home for a day], then hangs out for no good reason (back to minipads) for a long time and acts like she's left but then really was just off to take a nap or something. This sucks. I've considered an IUD because there is a chance you don't have a monthly visit for FIVE YEARS, but then found out you get one of those installed (by a professional, home installation is unavailable) while your dear old Auntie is visiting. Yeah, I'm not so sure about that action, I gotta tell you.

I have to say that it is that last part - It's gone! No, it's not. Yes, it's done. Nope, still there. I swear it's done! Crap. Ok, for sure now! Maybe? yesssss - that is the most annoying. Is this a function of age (dang Father Time - he keeps marching across my forehead and punishing me with permanent reminders that I smile a lot)? Is this just how this goes? They tell you a lot in school and books and stuff about how this process begins (remember the video and school nurse talk in 5th grade?), but not so much how it proceeds or winds down or ends. And I want someone to tell me if the sensation of trying to fill a bucket with the hole in the bottom (better known as my stomach) goes away with this whole deal. Who does a girl gotta know to get some answers to those kinds of questions? Inquiring and irritated minds want to know.

Oh, and I give myself the "Most widespread use of parentheses in one posting" award today. (thank you)

DWTS Returns

Ooooh, I have a show to watch again! Season 8 of Dancing With the Stars debuted on Monday. So, if you call me on Monday or Tuesdays for a while, I'll be hanging up on you or only talking during commercials or when Denise Richards is dancing (nah, I'll watch her and complain about how horrible she is).

Not a stellar cast this season, but cute little Shawn Johnson is on there and she was great. Hooray for the Iowa Girl! Also, that chick who got dumped by the Bachelor guy was on there and you can tell she has been a dancer - was a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader AND took ballet. She's good, and might get the fan sympathy vote for being dumped on national TV.

Denise Richards is on and as I alluded earlier, I can tell I am going to be annoyed by her - this season's Susan Luchi (Loochi? Luci? I don't know how to spell that doofy waif's last name). I was impressed with the naked guy from the Sex In the City movie and voted for him a bunch, plus his partner is Cheryl Burke and I like her. There is some computer dork on there - cofounded Apple computers or some such trivia - and he is HORRIBLE. Put him out of his misery, please. And then there is Julianne Hough and her boyfriend, some country singer. They are cute, but I think it was a big mistake for them to get into this contest together. Mark my words, we're gonna get to see some spats between them.

Jewel's coyboy husband is on the show, Ty, and he is about a wooden as the siding on my house, but he is so honest and cute I voted for him to come back. He's all, "Shoot, I plumb forgot all the stuff we been workin on cuz my buddies are in the crowd and all I could think about was how they are laughin at me." hee hee. Funny, but he won't last long. He'll beg for people to vote him off, but I love that he is giving it a go.

Then there are the so-so people who could improve: Lil Kim, David Allen Greer, Holly Playboy Bunny, and others that were forgettable. Good luck to them. I'm pullin for Shawn to win the shiny disco ball trophy.

Scare Tactics

I have resorted to scare tactics with myself. This evening, I gave myself what-for in the bathroom mirror. It went something like this:

Good grief, woman, get a grip on yourself and stop shoveling sweets into your pie hole! (mmm..pie, no, knock it off) You are going to want to shop for some new Spring/Summer clothing soon, and you will be pretty miserable if you do not shape up, and I mean literally! It's not that hard. No sweets unless it is your birthday or the birthday of a family member or a major holiday (and no, Arbor Day does not count), and no fried food. That is totally reasonable. You can eat cauliflour instead of chocolate chip bars right after work; you LIKE cauliflour.

Then, because I was not sure I was really getting the message, I went to my bedroom and pulled out... my bikini. I wore it regularly two or three summers ago and a few times last year. I still like the colors and print and build of the the thing, so I hang on to it. I pulled that sucker out and tried it on. Take that! Scare tactics.

Now, I did go and do TK this evening. A good workout. Then I came home and ate two pieces of pizza, some breadsticks and a couple of globs of monkey bread. Then later I ate two chocolate chip bars.. cuz there were two left and I wanted those things out of my house (Sarah, Lisa, you understand...). Is it Spring yet? I need to go for a run.

Sigh. We'll see if my scare tactics work any wonders on my crumbling resolve.

Single Parenting...with help!

My hooby is out of town this week and next (he's getting his learn on - taking classes to be a home inspector). I am, therefore, single parenting right now. I just wanted to throw a shout out (holla) to my sister, Sahm, for the great help already. As if parenting three little kiddos is not enough, she is having us over for dinner twice this week and getting my little Blondie ready for dance on Thursday - same day she has to get her Strawberry girl off to tumbling class. Thanks, Sahm!! I'm so glad I moved to a town where family live....

Back Away from the Buffet

Card club is just killer for me. I have a food hangover today - woke up still full from the night before. That's no good. There were loaded potato skins, meatballs, and a variety of dips and crackers and veggies and chips. Then there were snickerdoodles and I made chocolate chip bars, and there was cheesecake (which Amber left at my house, dang it) and snicker salad. I should have backed away from the buffet about two trips before I finished (there were four trips through the line for me - first one a full plate, second one to the desserts, third for a little more of that parmesan and artichoke dip on cracked pepper and olive oil crackers, fourth for snickerdoodles).

Some people say that you should eat a sensible dinner before you go to those kinds of functions so that you are kinda full and don't overeat. That would not work for me. I would eat all of the good stuff anyways and just be miserable full. It's like telling an alcoholic to have a few drinks before they go to the bar. Just back away from the buffet!!!

Explain This, Mr. Wizzard

Why do we get muscle spasms? I don't mean the big cramps, but the little tics of my eyelids or such? Those eyelid twitches are super annoying. Well, today, my ABDOMEN is twitching. WTF? Can anyone explain this to me? It feels like I am pregnant (which i am not) and there is some tiny baby in there repeatedly giving me tiny kicks in my lower abdomen. Someone tell me why this is happening and how to make it stop. Does it have anything to do with the planks I have been doing to strengthen my core? Seriously annoying.

Appetite Attack

After the stomach flu, I was on a healthy eating roll and reaping the benefits on the scale. I wasn't very hungry and would get full quickly. Woo hoo! Well, the party is over. I am HUNGRY again. Dang it all. And it is girl scout cookie season again. Those things are all over the office and some will be coming to my house. Crap. Add to all of this that I am going to Minnesota to the Waterpark of America on the 21st of this month and that ups my "crap" statement to a "dammit." This is based on bathing suit requirements at the water park. Dammit.