For Women Only!

I mean it! Men should not read this post! If you are a man and are now curious enough to continue reading, I urge you to stop. I am going to talk about menstrual cycle issues!

Ok, that should have cleared out any of the men-folk. As women, we teach our daughters and granddaughters many things, including crafty-handiwork types of things. My mother taught me how to make cookies, make cute refridgerator magnets out of dough that you bake and paint, and how to braid hair. My grandmother taught me to crochet and embroider, and how to shop a craft fair in an organized fashion. All good lessons. My great grandmother knew how to sew, a skill I grasped only for home-ec classes and then quickly let loose.

There is one home-made item that we should all teach our daughters to create: the "emergency-situation toilet paper feminine hygiene apparatus." Just try to tell me that you have not had to make one of these, and I will call you a liar.

You know what the tp-napkin (tp-nap for short) is, don't lie! You find youself in a situation where your body gives you the signal that you do not have the appropriate garment protection at the moment and are in danger of having a very embarassing moment. You also have the misfortune to be without access to products that would quickly resolve the situation. You try to apply pressure to the area by walking like a penguin to the nearest restroom and fashion the tp-nap to buy you some time until you can find the appropriate feminine hygiene product.

There are a couple of configurations of the tp-napkin, depending on the emergency and the tp available. If you have the misfortune of being in a restroom with those dumb individual squares of tp that come out like Kleenex, you just pull and pull until you have a thick enough pile, balance them precariously on your underwear and pull up. I have never been brave enough to try an extra barrier of these between the underwear and actual jeans or pants for fear that the squares would sneak down the pant leg and escape onto the floor for a truely horrific moment. If you get to a place with real tp roles, then you can do the pile or wad of tp balanced on the underwear, then bound on by wrapping a length of tp over and under the crotch of your skivvies. Are there other ways to make this? I wondered about that today as I sadly balanced the wad of Kleenex-tp squares in my drawers. I wondered if there is a way to weave them into something stronger, something that resembles and works like Always dry-weave. I wondered if I had used a big enough pile as I drove home. I had. Whew.

After my unfortunate incident, rescued by the tp-nap, I thought, 'I wonder if my daughter knows how to make one of these.' I wonder how loudly she would exlaim and protest if I tried to have that conversation with her. And then I wondered if I would remember to put more REAl hygiene products back in my purse.