Stuart Smalley

Do you remember Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live? I think that guy who later went into politics in Minnesota played that character. Why can't I think of his name? Whatever, like I care at this moment? No. I CLEARLY remember Stuart Smalley with his sweater and slight lisp and big oval mirror. He was the affirmations guy who ended with "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."

Today I am feeling rather disheartened and inadequate and so I am trying to do some affirmations. They all sound as hokey as Stuart's. Why are we so hard on ourselves as a race of beings? If we are not hard on ourselves we call it "narcissism" and in the Midwest it is very much expected that we be self-ingratiating. I mean, you'll be given sideways glances of reproach if you dare tout your accomplishments in this neck of the woods. But really, culture is not to blame in this instance.

I got my W-2 in the mail today, and to my dismay it is a fur piece off from last year's earnings. You see, you all thought I was a psychologist, but actually I am a widget maker. And I did not track my widgets carefully and apparently made far fewer than last year. So I am internalizing and personalizing this in a grandly ineffective manner (ineffective in making me feel good about myself). Now it's about my work ethic (lazy and inefficient) and my ability as an adult (bad provider for family, selfish). Blehhhhhhhh.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me. Money is not everything, money is not everything, money is not everything.....

For Women Only!

I mean it! Men should not read this post! If you are a man and are now curious enough to continue reading, I urge you to stop. I am going to talk about menstrual cycle issues!

Ok, that should have cleared out any of the men-folk. As women, we teach our daughters and granddaughters many things, including crafty-handiwork types of things. My mother taught me how to make cookies, make cute refridgerator magnets out of dough that you bake and paint, and how to braid hair. My grandmother taught me to crochet and embroider, and how to shop a craft fair in an organized fashion. All good lessons. My great grandmother knew how to sew, a skill I grasped only for home-ec classes and then quickly let loose.

There is one home-made item that we should all teach our daughters to create: the "emergency-situation toilet paper feminine hygiene apparatus." Just try to tell me that you have not had to make one of these, and I will call you a liar.

You know what the tp-napkin (tp-nap for short) is, don't lie! You find youself in a situation where your body gives you the signal that you do not have the appropriate garment protection at the moment and are in danger of having a very embarassing moment. You also have the misfortune to be without access to products that would quickly resolve the situation. You try to apply pressure to the area by walking like a penguin to the nearest restroom and fashion the tp-nap to buy you some time until you can find the appropriate feminine hygiene product.

There are a couple of configurations of the tp-napkin, depending on the emergency and the tp available. If you have the misfortune of being in a restroom with those dumb individual squares of tp that come out like Kleenex, you just pull and pull until you have a thick enough pile, balance them precariously on your underwear and pull up. I have never been brave enough to try an extra barrier of these between the underwear and actual jeans or pants for fear that the squares would sneak down the pant leg and escape onto the floor for a truely horrific moment. If you get to a place with real tp roles, then you can do the pile or wad of tp balanced on the underwear, then bound on by wrapping a length of tp over and under the crotch of your skivvies. Are there other ways to make this? I wondered about that today as I sadly balanced the wad of Kleenex-tp squares in my drawers. I wondered if there is a way to weave them into something stronger, something that resembles and works like Always dry-weave. I wondered if I had used a big enough pile as I drove home. I had. Whew.

After my unfortunate incident, rescued by the tp-nap, I thought, 'I wonder if my daughter knows how to make one of these.' I wonder how loudly she would exlaim and protest if I tried to have that conversation with her. And then I wondered if I would remember to put more REAl hygiene products back in my purse.

And I Run, I Run So Far Away

I went and ran my 7-year-old to dance, then went to the grocery store this morning. As I was walking from the store out to the car I got an odd urge to go for a run. It was about 25 degrees outside, and a little breezy, but not horrid. So, I went home and unloaded the groceries, got on some running gear and headed out the door with my fingerless gloves on and my ears covered, iPod blaring. It felt so good to get outside and jog. Like my body was relieved to break into that pace. That lasted for about four blocks and then my body realized what it was doing and how long it had been since these maneuvers had been performed. To add to things, I had some obstacles of snow and ice to tackle. Then I turned a corner INTO the wind and found myself a mess of tears and snot (gross). I'll be washing those gloves today. I pushed on, though. I made it a mile and a half and now feel like I have been run over by a truck. My lungs were assaulted by the cold and have been coughing out complaints most of the day since. It's a victory, but an odd one, to say the least.

Help I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I need a Diet Life Alert! Doughnuts and cookies and chocolate, oh my! Hellooo hormones and a total lack of willpower. I could have signed up for Biggest Loser at work again, and I was soooo close. But I thought, 'You know, I'm just about the same weight that I was when I finished the program last time, and with all of my outside motivation, I don't need the torture of weekly weigh-ins.' Well, hind sight being 20/20 and all, I am not kicking my self. Well, actually I'm just having regrets which likely has more to do with the doughnut I ate than the weigh-ins. You'd think I could trust myself to maintain without so much structure. Sigh. Back to online food journaling again.

Ooh, Weekend.

Well, I have been tracking my foods on livestrong.com, and working out (not as much as I should, but more than I was). Yay, me! Then the weekend hit, and started out with a friend's birthday celebration with mexican food and several drinks. woo hoo! It was fun, and I did not calculate the calories because that would just spoil the fun, I think. There were donuts this weekend to soothe the hangover. Then there was a trip to The Chrome for a great and greasy breakfast. Can I go back to work? This weekend is killing me!

Attack of Christmas Goodies

I have a lovely friend whose mother makes amazing goodies at Christmas time, one of which is chocolate peanut butter truffles. She, quite thoughtfully, brought me a box of these goodies. So nice! Grr!!! I have worked really hard to eat well, and have been avoiding the goodies to great extent. I may throw the rest away today. We'll see....

Swimming

When I was a kid I spent every reasonably nice summer day at the pool. My grandmother swore I was part fish and that the water called to me. She had a pool in her backyard, a BELOW-ground pool with a shallow end, deep end (complete with floating rope separating the two ends, on which we were chastized not to hang) and diving board. We were not allowed in the pool until after Grandma had vacuumed it in the morning. I'd hop out of bed, and immediately get my suit on, and then stand there next to her as she vaccuumed, thinking it was clean enough already. I would swim all day with a couple of breaks for snacks/lunch or laying on the hot cement to warm up before diving back in for games of "Marco Polo" or "shark" or "jump or dive." When not at Grandma's, we would bike to the pool, spend all day there and then bike home. I was in FANTASTIC shape as a kid!

This past weekend, I took my younger child and a friend to the indoor pool at the YMCA. I normally would just watch, but decided to get in the water this time - to heck with my hair! I swam laps, swam with the kids, and dove off the board repeatedly. This activity was fun, but kicked my butt! I was only swimming for about an hour and 45 minutes. How did I do this as a kid? Oh, yeah, the "fantastic" fitness level thing. I have decided that this would be a great activity to do once a week. I think my younger child would love it, and it would be fun for me and a really good workout. So, we'll see how far this good intention goes.... stay tuned.

New Khakis

I think I have lamented about buying pants before. Khaki pants are a workplace staple, are they not? Let's just agree that they are. I have been without a pair for about 6 months. My last pair came from Target (the store to which I am addicted) and lasted several years. I wanted to just go and get another pair, but when I went to the store they have come out with six different fits of khaki pants!! Ug. So I had to try them all on. I tried this about three months ago and had no success. I then ordered some from Land's End (which does custom hemming for free - a great service) but those did not fit well either. I was beginning to believe I was going to have to buy a pair of pants and have them custom-tailored. Bleh. I know Stacy and Clinton (from What Not to Wear) always recommend tailoring, but it makes the pants just that much more expensive.

Anyway, I trekked to Target again yesterday (happy happy joy joy!) and decided to try out the khaki section again. Armed with five pairs in a couple of sizes, I struck paydirt with a pair that have the same feel as my original trusty khakis! Yay! I am wearing them today. I am even more pleased to report that the new pair is two sizes smaller than the old pair. So, even more motivation to stick to my healthy eating and exercise habits... stay fitting in new khakis!

I Scared Her, I Think

Every once in a while I check to see who might be following along with my little blog. Mostly, it's just Hailey these days. Maybe my aunt Julie. Anyway, there are a few folks who are listed as followers and they are not family, friends NOR acquaintances! So, of course, I click on their links and check out their blogs if they have one. There was a girl who was following and I checked out her blog and left a couple of friendly comments and NOW SHE IS NOT FOLLOWING! I scared her!! I promise I did not say anything creepy! She had a blog dedicated to her weight loss journey and I think I left some words of encouragement about her goals and cheers to healthier habits. This must have been too much for her. There were no followers on the blog, and so perhaps she forgot that it was public and the realization creeped her out. Oops. Sorry!

OOh... Ahhhh

Facy-fied blog! Thanks, Hailey.

Return of the Numbers

I stepped on the scale again today, just as a benchmark. I found five of those pounds I had lost! I think they were in those Christmas cookies, right where I had left them. They might have also been in the breakroom with the donuts, or perhaps in the drive through at McDonalds. I suspect they were actually left scattered in all of those places, and settled comfortably in their homelands of my abdomen and thighs.

Well, I mean to let those five pounds know that they are not welcome here any more and perhaps they can take a few of their friends (maybe 5 more?) with them on their way out the door. They are just visiting, thank you very much.

I feel very good that I am not stressing about these visitors. I know I welcomed them in during the party, and now the party is over. They are kind of like my Christmas decorations at home. They were fun to get out and have around for a while, but they are not a permanent part of the decor. Anybody sick of this analogy yet? Ok, I'm done.

Day 2 of Jillian M - ouch. Tomorrow is stretch coach day 1 and I THINK I have a plan.

Plain Jane

After looking at a lot of blogs, I wanted to spice mine up a bit and I cannot seem to do so. Hmm.... When I go to "design" it pretty much won't let me select anything. So, plain jane it is, I guess. Oh well.

Stretch Coach

My daughter is in dance and I LOVE it. LOVE!! I love to watch it, listen to the music, see the costumes, everything. I am a totally addicted dance mom. Well, I also really like her dance teacher, and have gotten to know her a little bit. She recently asked me to be the stretch coach for the competition dancers! Flattering! So, I am taking my job seriously and working on a routine of dynamic stretches for the kiddos that will also be fun. Wish me luck!!

Jillian Michaels

I got the Jillian Michaels workout DVD "30-day Shred" for Christmas. I started it today and it kicked my butt! It works on a 3-2-1 idea, with a short warm-up followed by three rotations of 3 minutes of toning, 2 minutes cardio and 1 minute of abs. There are no rest periods and it was killer. Jillian is there telling you that you can't rest or else it won't work and reminds me constantly that my goal is "body changes", which is true. I also love that she does not modify a jumping jack, saying that she has 400 pound people who can do these, so... It starts with level one and goes up through level three. Level one was hard, so I can't imagine the challenge of level 3. I don't know if you are supposed to do it every day?? I am shooting for six days per week? Five? How about five?

This is a good goal, right? I need to just be ok with that.

2011 - Motivation-a-plenty

Happy New Year, everyone! I took from Halloween through New Year's Day OFF from pretty much everything healthy. Well, maybe it was more like Thanksgiving. I think I was still doing some scant healthy things in early November. It's been so long I can hardly remember. Anyway, I went on a vacation and watched myself morph back into my old habits of never working out except when drug to the gym by my sister and eating whatever tickled my fancy (this involved a lot of cookies, as you might imagine).

It was kind of a fun way to wrap up 2010, the year of yo-yo weight. However, I noticed that I was more prone to irritability, isolation, and low energy. I don't know if this has anything to do with my eating and exercise habits, but I presume it does given that every health magazine practically screams at you about the correlation between exercise, diet and mood/energy. So if I was crabby, didn't feel like doing anything fun and felt like a slug, where was the "fun"? Eating cookies is fun.

Well, it's 2011 and there are many events already lined up for this year. These are all events that motivate me to look my best and therefore require good eating habits and exercise.

First up, I have a dinner planned with friends I have not seen since I sang in their wedding more than 10 years ago. When in their wedding, i would say I was at one of my heavier weights, so it would be fun to show up looking good. This is at the end of this month. Next, I am in a community theater show, playing someone in their early 20s!! Hello, self explanatory (and yes, I have my hair color appointment set up right before the show). That's in February. I don't think I have a darn thing planned in March except for going to many dance competitions. BUT, the first scheduled 5K event is in April! I'm going to do those again.

The grand poo-bah of events will be this summer. My 20-year high school reunion is set for July 4th weekend, and this is also the year I will kick butt in the Ride/Run and Emily will be happy to have me as her partner. I want to wear something fun and fantastic to the reunion and just feel really good about myself. AND, my 15 year wedding anniversary is this summer, and I want to be able to zip that wedding gown again.

So, with all this motivation, I have returned to livestrong.com to track my daily calorie intake and exercise. cheers! here's to 2011!