Holding.....

Well, I just wandered back here after two years away.  My weight is still about 140.  It's ok.  I had gotten as low as 135, but I seem to only be able to eat egg whites and water if I want to stay there, so no thanks.  140 is pretty good.  It's healthy.  I now TEACH dance!  Seriously a crazy move that I question on occasion.  But it's at least a little activity.

So, I keep thinking about buying a treadclimber.  I wish I could go and use one somewhere first, though.  And then I ask myself, 'Would I really use it?  I have a gym membership that I never use.  Why not just GO to the damn gym instead of buying gym equipment?' I hate this, because I do this dumb sort of debate all the time.  I have a Wii Fit - never use it.  We had a treadmill - rarely used.  What he heck do I think I will use a treadclimber?  Darn commercials showing happy people on fitness equipment!  That is NEVER how I look.  So.... I'm still considering this purchase.

Which Wagon?

Sigh. I fell off the wagon AGAIN! Sheesh! Actually, I don't fall off so much as I seem to jump back onto my old familiar wagon. You know, the one where I don't exercise and I eat donuts. Then I'm upset when my pants start complaining again. I want to be on the healthy wagon. I do. I want to show my kids the way onto that wagon, and veer them away from that crazy fun but unhealthy ride. I'm reading a new book on mindfulness. If it holds the keys to the healthy wagon, I'll let you know.

Phat, Not Fat

Hi, everyone! I know that by now, this is just me, but it's nice to think that one or two of my 8 followers might still be out there in blogger land. Anyhow, I went back to food journaling through Livestrong.com's "My Plate" weight/food tracker. Have I talked about that tool before? Pretty sure I have. It's free, it's easy, and it works. Nuff said. I find that I am much more mindful of what I put in my mouth when I know I'll be logging that bite soon. I I mean, math is math. There's no cheating, because 2 - 2 is always zero, you know? So, if I am honest about my math, then I'm more effective at balancing the equation. My mind can lie and ignore calories consumed and burned, but my body never does. Tracking cuts the lies and blind bites. You get the point. And, as you can see by the tracking space, it's going ok. This brings me to the point of this blog entry (finally, right?!). I am not fat. I know this. I've said it before. I am not fat, at least not by health standards. My BMI is in the "healthy" range. I'm in the upper ranges of that range, sure, but still within it. So, therefore, I am not fat. Bit, I feel fat. Sometimes. And those times are usually when shopping for clothes. I mean, look at what we have for examples of what the clothes are supposed to look like! MODELS AND MANEQUINS! Um, ok, really? How many of us have those bodies? Not too many. But, I still feel fat when what is presented to me as "appealing" and thin is so very different than what I've got. There are no lumps, folds, or ripples on those examples. And, I'm afraid that I just am not ever gonna look like that, and then will always feel fat. Even though I am not fat. Back to my food journal.... Because, maybe that "afraid I won't look like that" is just more lies , excuses and blind eyes. Maybe I could if I really ate like those models ate and did the math correctly. But what if I don't want to live like that? Does that make me fat? Lazy? Or just independent and confident? I'm afraid I do not have an answer to that. Frickin MANEQUINS.......

Just Say No

I turned down the opportunity to dance in the recital. You know they video tape that thing, and, my luck, that would end up on YouTube. So, no thanks.

I was going to give up sweets for Lent. Why not? It's a good excuse to try to convince myself to eat healthy foods and not sugar. FAIL! I went to my mother's house and my other sister baked a three-layer chocolate cake!! So, I ate a piece. Sigh. Then, today, I ate cream puff dessert. It was delicious. So, TOMORROW, I am going to get back on the bandwagon.

I have a new source of inspiration. My brother is getting married in May, and my brother-in-law is getting married in June. Weddings! Those are right up there with high school reunions in terms of be-skinny motivators, right? Well, let us hope so, for my sake.

I am going to listen to Ronald and Nancy Reagan and "just say no."

I Hate it When I'm Right

Yep, she wants us in the recital. She assured me we can wear something comfy and flattering. Sigh.

Dancer

Oh! And I decided to take dance lessons this year. Not ballroom dance, either, but tap, jazz and ballet lessons. Having never danced before in my entire life, this has been quite a challenge. I was promised that we do not have to dance in the recital. But, as the kids are starting to learn their recital routines, I have the sneaky suspicion that our teacher is going to try to rope me into dancing on the stage. Aack!! The horror!! Can you imagine having to dance on stage and maybe wear some sort of dance costume in public?!! Lord, help me.

At any rate, I am dancing, and I enjoy it. I count it as exercise, because, well, it IS exercise. It uses a lot of muscle groups, so that's a good thing because it keeps my body guessing. We dance in front of huge mirrors, which helps you be able to watch your body positioning and form. It also helps me watch my fat rolls and arm dangle. GROSS! Sigh, maybe I should snap a picture and carry it with me when I want to eat junk. Maybe I could choreograph an interpretive dance that highlights my struggles between wanting a lean and healthy physique and wanting to indulge in sweets and grease and inactivity. ha ha ha ha ha!

Pep Band

Totally different topic!!

I have been playing in the pep band at the high school. This is so much fun! I totally suck at playing the saxophone, but I'm having fun because I don't suck any worse than the high school students. I'm even having my old horn overhauled in preparation for playing in the years to come. I have unleashed my inner, dormant, band nerd. Look out, everyone!

2012

2012 is upon me. I back up to 150 or so (thanks, holiday cookies!), and pretty unhappy about that. I also am in the midst of another PMS round, so that's no good. I have been to the gym a few times this year and will go again to walk on the treadmill, at the very least. I ran a mile this past week, which was nice to know that I could still do it. I'm considering swimming again, but I still have the dilemma with my hair. Plus, I would need to buy an appropriate sPhowim suit, and shopping for one of those would SUCK!!!

I just wrote a big article for the newspaper about keeping, or even really CRAFTING New Year's resolutions effectively. I am the perfect example of "do what I say, not what I do." Phooey.

I really wanted to try to just enjoy 2012 no matter what I weigh. Some days are easier than others. And, I have to tell you, part of this I am blaming on my sister. Why not? It's easier than taking all the accountability myself, and we all know I am all about easy. She, Sahm, keeps losing weight. She, who was my partner in crime when it came to crabbing about exercise and being flabby... No more. She is a certifiable exercise junkie and has melted away to this tiny, model-looking woman. When I am with her, it is really hard to be happy with my self and not feel like my body looks like a nicely dressed turd.

I know the formula here, folks. Exercise...lots. Eat...sensibly. I hate that formula. And, I hate how my body feels and looks when I don't follow that formula. New Year, new attitude? Well, not so far....

I Am Dumb

Well, my high school reunion is upon me in three days. UGH!! I am so dumb!! I had a pretty darn good start with that no/low carb thing and then my birthday came along and PMS and everything went to hell in a hand basket. Do you think I could manage to get down to 140? Hell no. I ate a bunch of junk, didn't run near enough, and am back in the same boat I seem to always be in when it comes to the 4th of July. Again, the flabbiest kid in the group. I know how to manage my weight, I just seem to refuse to do it. So, I guess I'll go to the reunion and see a lot of people and have fun and try not to care about the jiggle in my midsection.

Ok. I added this option to my phone to be able to post from here. Wonder if it will work...

Carboholics Anonymous

Well, I did pretty well after the "thicker" comment, only to fall off the wagon after about a week. Sheesh. I am a carbohydrate addict. My name is Mia and I am a carbohydrate addict. (Hi, Mia.) I realize this but was really at the stage where I wanted to try to find that tricky thing called "moderation." I have the worst time with that!! I either go all out or restrict totally. I just don't know my limits. Or maybe I do and I just plow right through them. One cookie is good, but five is great and awful at the same time. So, maybe like other addictions, it is time for me to just stop. If I surrender completely to the notion that I cannot have cookies, cake, crackers, chocolate, doughnuts.... That thought makes me sad!! How bad is that? None of those foods are essential at all. I could easily live my life in a nutritionally sound manner without another bite of any of those items. Just as an alcoholic can live life without that particular type of beverage, I can live without that particular brand of carbs. I can enjoy fruit, even some bread for a sandwich here or there. But how about if I just say that I am now sober from cake, cookies, crackers, chocolate, donuts and those kinds of sweets? What if I did that? What would I look like? What would I feel like? How would that go at birthdays; or is that just like an alcoholic wondering how New Year's Eve (or birthdays) would go without a beer, wine or highball?

Well, I have been carb sober for a week now. I have dropped some weight, which is nice. Certainly I could stand to lose at least ten more pounds, but I don't know. i'm at the point where I was thinking this "detox" from carbs was a very temporary thing, but now am really contemplating longer term sobriety. Would anyone support me or would they roll their eyes and say I am crazy? People support alcoholics because they can see the destruction that excessive alcohol use brings to their lives. I can't say that my eating of sweets has caused "destruction" but can say that it brings its own brand of unhappiness and unhealthy consequences. Is that enough to call it quits? I don't know... still contemplating....

"A Little Thicker"

Well, Easter is over and I have no more good reasons to keep eating whatever I feel like eating. Right now I feel like eating a DQ Mini Blizzard. Mmm. Someone should go and get me one right now. I wish I felt like eating raw cauliflower.

ANYhoo... Today I put on a springy outfit consisting of a white short-sleeved blouse with a white tank under it, and a skirt that is a linen blend and floral print. I have my really cute heels on with this outfit, and some pretty silver jewelry. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? I should feel cute and rejuvenated now that it seems Spring is actually going to stick around. Nope. I don't. Why not? Well, probably because this skirt was too big this last Fall, and the shirt was not having to utilize the powers of the stretch fabric from which it was made. It is having to resort to those fibers today.

Oof. I have mentioned my sedentary job before. Well, today I sat for a while (like I do) and then stood up to notice that my shirt had creased from being sucked into the fold between my gut and my lap, so now it kind of bends forward when I am standing. Nice.

I was grousing about the blouse crease to a coworker and she chuckled and said, "Yeah, you have been looking a little bit thicker." Many of you might gasp at her honesty, but I am grateful. Mostly I get people who say, "What? I can't tell you gained weight at all!" This just justifies my continued sloth. So, THANK YOU, coworker, for your honesty. The words "a little thicker" are ringing in my ears and I have now gotten rid of all of the junk in my office. That's it. That's the motivation. It's time to get this show in motion. Two more months until the wedding, two and change till the reunion. Operation: less thick .... has begun!

Rebuttal

Dear Mia,

You can tell your keister, belly and thighs to zip it! It is their fault that my poor zipper is taxed to the max and poor button is hanging on for dear life. If they don't want to be pinched, then they should dial it back a notch and quit crowding me. I am NOT being clingy - they are being unreasonable.

Sincerely,
Pants

Corresponding

Dear Mia,

Could you tell your pants that they are not being very nice. They are pinching and binding and being too clingy. I mean, really, what is their problem?

Love,
Your butt, gut and thighs

Response

Dear Pants,

Smack, chew, gulp... mmm... munch, om-num-num...

What?

Keep up the good work.

Love,
Mia

Another Letter

Dear Mia,

Remember that version of you that worked out and ate sensibly? yeah, could you find her again? You are making my job really difficult. Relief would be welcome.

Sincerely,
Your Pants

Hip Hop Hustle

Two posts in one day!! Wow.

My sister Sahm is teaching another fitness class. It is called "Hip Hop Hustle" and it is really dance squad for grownups. I am planning on going and am really excited about it. It starts next Monday. Keep your fingers crossed that no dumb excuses pop up to derail my ambition.

Compliments = Cake

Hi folks! Miss me?

Well, I have been up to no good, so I did not blog about it to avoid shame and guilt. Or at least to avoid accountability. Anyway, I eat too many sweets, so that has not improved much. I have not been working out AT ALL, so that is pretty ineffective. Sigh.

Today I wore a skirt and top that I have not worn since Fall and got many compliments. I didn't get compliments merely on the outfit, but on the fact that I appeared (to these observers) thin. This puffed up my head like a pastry and prompted me to celebrate with chocolate cake at lunch. I shake my head at my own rationalization and denial. I mean, how does that make sense?? I look thin so I eat cake?? Huh? Doesn't eating cake in combination with no exercise lead to NOT looking thin? I believe it does. Or, at least, it has EVERY OTHER TIME I have tried that combination. You'd think I would call "BS" on myself in those instances. But, apparently, I don't.

By the way, the cake was fantastic...

Snap Out of It, Already!

Dear Me,

Pull yourself together, woman! Seriously, now. The constant stream of cookies is not solving anything, is it? IS IT?! No, so back away from the carbs and do something else. Let go of useless anger, let go of "should" and deal with life as it is. Let go of judgment, and open your eyes to see the real deal, which is really quite tolerable and even blessed. Quit whining about not having a 6-figure salary, 6-pack abs and 6 days in Jamaica.

Look around you!! You are sitting in your own suite of offices, two advanced degrees in your head and on your walls, two children who are talented, smart and going to be lovely adults, two sisters who are more fun than fun-sized snickers (and that's a lot of fun). You are wearing single-digit sized clothing (for now, unless the cookie deluge continues). Yes, your house is small, but it is safe, comfortable and more than meets your needs. Yes, your spouse is sad, but something will come his way and he will find a way to look on the bright side of life as well. Stop acting like someone stole your birthday.

If you do not heed these words, I swear on all things holy that I will bitch-slap you and then you will look even crazier than you do by writing a letter to yourself. I'm pretty sure neither of us wants that.

Love,
Your sane side.

Disappointing, Not a Crisis

I was sorely disappointed today and am working really hard to not throw a 3-year-old fit about it. I want to. I want to pout and whine and cross my arms and say, "Well fine then, I'm not your friend any more." So there. Sometimes I really dislike being a grownup.