In psychology, there is a method/style/skill (whatever) called "Mindfulness" and it really is an ancient Zen practice, but we glommed on to it and now call it "therapy." Anyway, part of mindfulness is the practice of really participating in your experience, and doing so with a non-judgmental stance. So, the moto here is "it is what it is." No only is it what it is, it is neither good nor bad. It just... is. And it is as it is supposed to be, even if it is unpleasant. So we participate in our unpleasant experience, knowing that the only constant is change and thus knowing that it will not last forever and it is neither good nor bad and it is what it is. Got it? No? Me neither. At least, not in practice.
The stars have aligned, and I was born and raised and lived until this exact week in time, and so this week is perfect and is as it is supposed to be. And apparently this adds up to me with Aunt Flo, PMSing through a party last weekend (mmm.. food), not planning dinner so caving to eat out on Monday (hey, a night out with my girls! Fun! mmm.. food), being in Mason City yesterday at meetings where they brought pot luck lunch with brownies (mmm.. food, crap I ate five brownies. how did that happen?), so I got home late and got straight into my online class so ate a piece of pizza at 9:00 p.m. for dinner (mmm.. pizza), and having a recruiting lunch AND dinner at work today (mmm.. cheesecake). It's like they knew this would be the week to throw me off track. And tomorrow - pot luck at lunch at work. Great. I'm going to crawl into a hole and eat lettuce.
How does one accept that this IS what it IS and not judge it? I'm struggling. It's an oink-fest, is what it is, and I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight. Do you think I have worked out? Nope, not once. Not once!! What the hell is the matter with me? (nothing, because if something were the matter with me then that would be judgmental of me to say) I am not behaving in a skillful and effective manner, and I am angry about the results. How crazy is that?
I think I need a good therapist. Know any?
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2 comments:
You do need a therapist. I think you are in an awful cycle of having good intentions/breaking intentions/beating yourself up about it. This is not healthy, and really no way to go through life. You are GREAT. You are super smart,funny, clever, caring, insightful, creative, talented, FUN, beautiful...and the list goes on and on. You need to stop beating yourself up about weight. I know that's easier said than done...believe me.
I'm no good at therapy, but that's my 2 cents.
I love you!!
That's worth about $100 bucks to me. Thanks.
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