Which Wagon?

Sigh. I fell off the wagon AGAIN! Sheesh! Actually, I don't fall off so much as I seem to jump back onto my old familiar wagon. You know, the one where I don't exercise and I eat donuts. Then I'm upset when my pants start complaining again. I want to be on the healthy wagon. I do. I want to show my kids the way onto that wagon, and veer them away from that crazy fun but unhealthy ride. I'm reading a new book on mindfulness. If it holds the keys to the healthy wagon, I'll let you know.

Phat, Not Fat

Hi, everyone! I know that by now, this is just me, but it's nice to think that one or two of my 8 followers might still be out there in blogger land. Anyhow, I went back to food journaling through Livestrong.com's "My Plate" weight/food tracker. Have I talked about that tool before? Pretty sure I have. It's free, it's easy, and it works. Nuff said. I find that I am much more mindful of what I put in my mouth when I know I'll be logging that bite soon. I I mean, math is math. There's no cheating, because 2 - 2 is always zero, you know? So, if I am honest about my math, then I'm more effective at balancing the equation. My mind can lie and ignore calories consumed and burned, but my body never does. Tracking cuts the lies and blind bites. You get the point. And, as you can see by the tracking space, it's going ok. This brings me to the point of this blog entry (finally, right?!). I am not fat. I know this. I've said it before. I am not fat, at least not by health standards. My BMI is in the "healthy" range. I'm in the upper ranges of that range, sure, but still within it. So, therefore, I am not fat. Bit, I feel fat. Sometimes. And those times are usually when shopping for clothes. I mean, look at what we have for examples of what the clothes are supposed to look like! MODELS AND MANEQUINS! Um, ok, really? How many of us have those bodies? Not too many. But, I still feel fat when what is presented to me as "appealing" and thin is so very different than what I've got. There are no lumps, folds, or ripples on those examples. And, I'm afraid that I just am not ever gonna look like that, and then will always feel fat. Even though I am not fat. Back to my food journal.... Because, maybe that "afraid I won't look like that" is just more lies , excuses and blind eyes. Maybe I could if I really ate like those models ate and did the math correctly. But what if I don't want to live like that? Does that make me fat? Lazy? Or just independent and confident? I'm afraid I do not have an answer to that. Frickin MANEQUINS.......

Just Say No

I turned down the opportunity to dance in the recital. You know they video tape that thing, and, my luck, that would end up on YouTube. So, no thanks.

I was going to give up sweets for Lent. Why not? It's a good excuse to try to convince myself to eat healthy foods and not sugar. FAIL! I went to my mother's house and my other sister baked a three-layer chocolate cake!! So, I ate a piece. Sigh. Then, today, I ate cream puff dessert. It was delicious. So, TOMORROW, I am going to get back on the bandwagon.

I have a new source of inspiration. My brother is getting married in May, and my brother-in-law is getting married in June. Weddings! Those are right up there with high school reunions in terms of be-skinny motivators, right? Well, let us hope so, for my sake.

I am going to listen to Ronald and Nancy Reagan and "just say no."

I Hate it When I'm Right

Yep, she wants us in the recital. She assured me we can wear something comfy and flattering. Sigh.

Dancer

Oh! And I decided to take dance lessons this year. Not ballroom dance, either, but tap, jazz and ballet lessons. Having never danced before in my entire life, this has been quite a challenge. I was promised that we do not have to dance in the recital. But, as the kids are starting to learn their recital routines, I have the sneaky suspicion that our teacher is going to try to rope me into dancing on the stage. Aack!! The horror!! Can you imagine having to dance on stage and maybe wear some sort of dance costume in public?!! Lord, help me.

At any rate, I am dancing, and I enjoy it. I count it as exercise, because, well, it IS exercise. It uses a lot of muscle groups, so that's a good thing because it keeps my body guessing. We dance in front of huge mirrors, which helps you be able to watch your body positioning and form. It also helps me watch my fat rolls and arm dangle. GROSS! Sigh, maybe I should snap a picture and carry it with me when I want to eat junk. Maybe I could choreograph an interpretive dance that highlights my struggles between wanting a lean and healthy physique and wanting to indulge in sweets and grease and inactivity. ha ha ha ha ha!

Pep Band

Totally different topic!!

I have been playing in the pep band at the high school. This is so much fun! I totally suck at playing the saxophone, but I'm having fun because I don't suck any worse than the high school students. I'm even having my old horn overhauled in preparation for playing in the years to come. I have unleashed my inner, dormant, band nerd. Look out, everyone!

2012

2012 is upon me. I back up to 150 or so (thanks, holiday cookies!), and pretty unhappy about that. I also am in the midst of another PMS round, so that's no good. I have been to the gym a few times this year and will go again to walk on the treadmill, at the very least. I ran a mile this past week, which was nice to know that I could still do it. I'm considering swimming again, but I still have the dilemma with my hair. Plus, I would need to buy an appropriate sPhowim suit, and shopping for one of those would SUCK!!!

I just wrote a big article for the newspaper about keeping, or even really CRAFTING New Year's resolutions effectively. I am the perfect example of "do what I say, not what I do." Phooey.

I really wanted to try to just enjoy 2012 no matter what I weigh. Some days are easier than others. And, I have to tell you, part of this I am blaming on my sister. Why not? It's easier than taking all the accountability myself, and we all know I am all about easy. She, Sahm, keeps losing weight. She, who was my partner in crime when it came to crabbing about exercise and being flabby... No more. She is a certifiable exercise junkie and has melted away to this tiny, model-looking woman. When I am with her, it is really hard to be happy with my self and not feel like my body looks like a nicely dressed turd.

I know the formula here, folks. Exercise...lots. Eat...sensibly. I hate that formula. And, I hate how my body feels and looks when I don't follow that formula. New Year, new attitude? Well, not so far....